Auburn Numbers Now In Service

numbers_logo4Opelika-Auburn Times (Auburn, AL) – The Auburn Numbers, led by the digits wizard and mercenary accountant Andrew “Prime” Woodward, have joined the NFFL for the 2014 season. A throng of dirt road alumni rolled Toomer’s Corner chanting “Numbers don’t lie!” As the mob calmed down Woodward addressed his fans and noted “Statistically speaking all y’all in the NFFL have a 100% chance of an getting an ass whooping courtesy of my team.”

Commissioner Bonfanti was on hand for the ceremonies and was excited to be adding the coveted Opelika-Auburn market to the NFFL.  “This marks our first expansion into the football hotbed of Alabama.  We are excited about possible new sponsors and finally being able to eat good BBQ.”

The Numbers will compete in the Tagliabue Division in the slot slot recently vacated by the Southwood Dolphins.

Dolphins Canned

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Carlisle Mosquito (Carlisle, MA) – For the first time since 2011 the NFFL will have a new expansion team. The spot was made available by the disappearance of Southwood Dolphins’ owner Seth Rubin.  Following the second round playoff loss to the Mootown Marauders Rubin boarded a bus bound for Southwood and was never heard from again.

Due to lack of cell phone service in Nepal, Commission Bonfanti could not be reached for comment.  The NFFL office, however, issued a statement noting “It is with a heavy heart we have determined Seth “the Hammer” Rubin to be missing. We have valiantly attempted to reach out to him by text message and e-mail.  Our attempts have been unsuccessful, and due to the fast approaching draft, his NFFL franchise must be suspended. We of course will leave the door open for his return if he is found and reaches out to the League.”

Within minutes of announcing the suspension of the ‘Fins the league office was flooded by telephone calls by potential owners looking to become part of the NFFL. “I was trying to eat my chicken finger basket at the Brick House and all the sudden it blew up. Literally my iPhone overheated and exploded due to all the e-mails and phone calls. Crazy!” noted NFFL Director of Franchises Tyler “Macduff” McNeill.

Marauders Claim Second NFFL Title

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Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel (Milwaukee, WI) – The Mootown Marauders became the second franchise to capture two NFFL titles as they defeated the Southwood Dolphins 85-76 in NFFL Cup VIII.  To add insult to injury the Marauders earned the title while fielding only eight players to the Dolphins nine. “We had this one in the bag from the opening kick off. Tate asked for a day off to go to the arcade, which I thought was reasonable, and it wasn’t like we were playing someone we feared,” noted GM Geoff “This Is  Really My Title” Gonzalez.

As Gonzalez attempted to address the media he caught a punch to the throat and dropped to the ground gasping for air. The velvet gloved fist belonged to Kirsten “Putin” Matthis who pushed her GM aside with a pointed heel. “First off, to all the boys who tried to stop me this year, you are a pathetic bunch of under endowed weaklings. The real force in the NFFL wears Louboutins, a little black dress, and isn’t afraid to take what she wants. Deuces!”

The Southwood Dolphins suffered their second loss in the NFFL Cup and will have to wait another year to attempt to capture a title.  “I thought we had a real chance at winning it all this year. Sadly it didn’t pan out, and we will have to try again next season,” said a resigned Seth Rubin as he boarded a local Tallahassee bus headed for Southwood.

The NFFL Cup will be retrieved in the coming week and taken to Tim “Magic Man” Yoho for engraving before being delivered to the Mootown Marauders’ team office.

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Southwood Tattler (Tallahassee, FL) – For the second time in franchise history the Southwood Dolphins will play for the NFFL Cup.  The Dolphins punched their ticket to the championship game with a 122-92 victory over the Slippery Rock Tortfeasors. “Winning is what we do. Time to wobble!” exclaimed Zoe “V.I.C.” Rubin. For the men from Slippery Rock the loss represents a lost opportunity and a disappointing end to the 2013 campaign. “Victory has slipped through our fingers like grains of sands in a hour glass,” penned Mike “Il Duce” Haire in his personal leather bound journal as he sipped a glass of non-alcoholic madeira.

The ‘Fins opponent will be the Mootown Marauders dispatched the Golden Eagles 152-127.  The Marauders will look to add a second NFFL Cup in three years to their trophy case. “Wooooooo! Beating the Eagles is what we do. Time to drink some Cosmos!” exclaimed Kirsten “Filet Mignon” Matthis as Geoff “Mastermind” Gonzalez looked on from a darkened corner. The loss stung the Eagles as their NFFL Cup dreams were dashed upon the rocks of harsh reality. “Screw this. I’m so tired of reading multiple draft guides, faxing in questions to fantasy experts, and watching game footage on my beta-max. Losing sucks and so do the Marauders,” noted a bitter Tom “I Will Return” Criss.

BACON WAVE NFFL PLAYOFF SCHEDULE

#5 Mootown Marauders vs. #2 Southwood Dolphins

Il Duce Reigns as Tortfeasors Advance to Second Round

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Toronto Sun (Toronto, ON) – For the fourth consecutive year the North Florida Seersuckers tasted defeat in the First Round of the NFFL Playoffs.  This year’s loss was served up by the Mootown Marauders who eviscerated the ‘Seers in an overwhelming 115-87 win. “The calendar has turned the page onto a new year, but the result is startlingly similar.  Obviously changes are needed, and we will weigh all prudent options in the off season,” remarked a forlorn Mike “Buffalo Trace” Bonfanti as he ruefully sipped a glass of bourbon.  The Marauders were jubilant in victory and celebrated on the ‘Seers’ 50 yard-line. “We won! I’m so excited I could marry Geoff!” said an ecstatic Kirsten “Three Karats” Matthis.

In the second game of the weekend the Slippery Rock Tortfeasors beat the plucky Monticello Cornish Hens 103-88 before a sold out Der Kommissar Field. “The sweetest victory is one where you feel your opponents dying breath escape as you twist the bayonet in his throat,” said Mike “Il Duce” Hair as he stroked his hairless kitten Mr. Snuggles.   The Hens’ locker room resembled a sarcophagus as players packed their equipment and departed for the long off season. “Losing sucks, but honestly baseball season is right around the corner. Time to start fantasizing about Mike Trout!” stated Tyler “Man Crush” McNeill.

BACON WAVE NFFL PLAYOFF SCHEDULE

#3 Monticello Cornish Hens vs. #2 Southwood Dolphins

#5 Mootown Marauders vs. #1 Golden Eagles