Dopplebocks Pour into the NFFL

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Des Moines Register (Des Moines, IA) – The Des Moines Dopplebocks have been announced as the 12th NFFL franchise. The ‘Bocks are owned by Geoff Gonzalez, former GM of the Mootown Marauders.  “I was tired of slaving away, doing all the work, making dinner, adding a running back, and getting none of the credit,” Gonzalez stated before a packed room at Little Timmy’s Ale House & Medical Supply Co.  “This team is going to compete for a title and assert our dominance over the soon to be rudderless Marauders!” he shouted as he double fisted a signature spring ale.

Stunned by the departure of her man candy GM Kirsten “Black Widow” Matthis answered questions while getting a pedicure at Gina’s Nail Bar. “No, I don’t think Geoff leaving our organization will impact us. Can you say paper tiger? What’s in Iowa anyway? Hogs and corn. But whatever, I can’t confirm what he does with all that produce, but midgets makes me queasy.” When questioned about her prior use of a homeless man to make shoes Matthis boiled over.  “It was one pair of shoes people. He was homeless. Homeless! Honestly, you peasants!” Several empty champagne glasses and a Prince CD were seen in the Black Widow’s vicinity and she subsequently passed out while having ‘Fuck U Geoff’ painted on her toes.

With the addition of the Dopplebocks the NFFL will have to address the structure of the league. “Playing every team is very important to all of us. The current two division, six playoff team structure will not allow us to continue on this course.  In the coming weeks we plan to address this issue and forge a new course for our great league,” stated Executive Committee Member Kirk “Murica” Reams.

Rubin Resurfaces, ‘Fins Reinstated

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Rubin was found with this tattoo on his back.

Southwood Tattler (Tallahassee, FL) – Following the alleged disappearance of Seth Rubin, and the subsequent suspension of the Southwood Dolphins the NFFL awarded an expansion franchise to Auburn, AL based financier Andrew Woodward.

Yesterday reports surfaced Rubin had been located floating off the coast of Bald Point in a rubber raft.  Local authorities were contacted and a chopper located Rubin wracked by thirst and severe ESPN withdrawal. He was loaded onto a shrimp trawler and taken to Panacea Regional Medical Center where he was placed in the critical care unit and administered plasma and an IV of Natural Light.

Following several hours in the hospital Rubin address the press. “The events leading up to me floating aimlessly in the Gulf of Mexico are a bit hazy.  All I can say is that it involved the entire USC marching band, a pogo stick, and three pounds of illegally transported, and highly hallucinogenic, mushrooms. Regardless, I made it out of the tunnel of darkness and have received the best medical treatment Obamacare can redistribute.  I am a bit tipsy, but reaffirm my commitment to the NFFL, America, and corned beef.” Rubin was then transported via Uber to Tallahassee where he was reunited with his family and his pet goldfish Comet.

The NFFL Executive Committee vote unanimously to reinstate the Southwood Dolphins.  “Waking up in a bath tub full of ice without your kidney can happen to anyone.  We’re just happy Seth made it back to the League in relatively one intact piece,” said Executive Committee member Tom “Mini-fridge” Criss.  With the reactivation of the ‘Fins the NFFL now has eleven teams and will have to confront additional expansion before the 2014 season commences.

Auburn Numbers Now In Service

numbers_logo4Opelika-Auburn Times (Auburn, AL) – The Auburn Numbers, led by the digits wizard and mercenary accountant Andrew “Prime” Woodward, have joined the NFFL for the 2014 season. A throng of dirt road alumni rolled Toomer’s Corner chanting “Numbers don’t lie!” As the mob calmed down Woodward addressed his fans and noted “Statistically speaking all y’all in the NFFL have a 100% chance of an getting an ass whooping courtesy of my team.”

Commissioner Bonfanti was on hand for the ceremonies and was excited to be adding the coveted Opelika-Auburn market to the NFFL.  “This marks our first expansion into the football hotbed of Alabama.  We are excited about possible new sponsors and finally being able to eat good BBQ.”

The Numbers will compete in the Tagliabue Division in the slot slot recently vacated by the Southwood Dolphins.

Dolphins Canned

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Carlisle Mosquito (Carlisle, MA) – For the first time since 2011 the NFFL will have a new expansion team. The spot was made available by the disappearance of Southwood Dolphins’ owner Seth Rubin.  Following the second round playoff loss to the Mootown Marauders Rubin boarded a bus bound for Southwood and was never heard from again.

Due to lack of cell phone service in Nepal, Commission Bonfanti could not be reached for comment.  The NFFL office, however, issued a statement noting “It is with a heavy heart we have determined Seth “the Hammer” Rubin to be missing. We have valiantly attempted to reach out to him by text message and e-mail.  Our attempts have been unsuccessful, and due to the fast approaching draft, his NFFL franchise must be suspended. We of course will leave the door open for his return if he is found and reaches out to the League.”

Within minutes of announcing the suspension of the ‘Fins the league office was flooded by telephone calls by potential owners looking to become part of the NFFL. “I was trying to eat my chicken finger basket at the Brick House and all the sudden it blew up. Literally my iPhone overheated and exploded due to all the e-mails and phone calls. Crazy!” noted NFFL Director of Franchises Tyler “Macduff” McNeill.

Marauders Claim Second NFFL Title

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Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel (Milwaukee, WI) – The Mootown Marauders became the second franchise to capture two NFFL titles as they defeated the Southwood Dolphins 85-76 in NFFL Cup VIII.  To add insult to injury the Marauders earned the title while fielding only eight players to the Dolphins nine. “We had this one in the bag from the opening kick off. Tate asked for a day off to go to the arcade, which I thought was reasonable, and it wasn’t like we were playing someone we feared,” noted GM Geoff “This Is  Really My Title” Gonzalez.

As Gonzalez attempted to address the media he caught a punch to the throat and dropped to the ground gasping for air. The velvet gloved fist belonged to Kirsten “Putin” Matthis who pushed her GM aside with a pointed heel. “First off, to all the boys who tried to stop me this year, you are a pathetic bunch of under endowed weaklings. The real force in the NFFL wears Louboutins, a little black dress, and isn’t afraid to take what she wants. Deuces!”

The Southwood Dolphins suffered their second loss in the NFFL Cup and will have to wait another year to attempt to capture a title.  “I thought we had a real chance at winning it all this year. Sadly it didn’t pan out, and we will have to try again next season,” said a resigned Seth Rubin as he boarded a local Tallahassee bus headed for Southwood.

The NFFL Cup will be retrieved in the coming week and taken to Tim “Magic Man” Yoho for engraving before being delivered to the Mootown Marauders’ team office.