Two Tickets to the NFFL Playoffs Still Up for Grabs

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Monticello News (Monticello, FL) – Three more NFFL golden tickets were claimed as the league barreled through Week 12 and towards the playoffs.  Four teams in the vaunted SEC-like Lombardi Division are guaranteed a spot in the tournament.  The upcoming head-to-head match-ups between the Seersuckers v. Tortfeasorts and Eagles v. Mauraders will sort out the seeding issues.   Three of the teams, the ‘Seers, Eagles, and Marauders still have a shot at the division crown.  “It all comes down to this weekend.  There are a ton of scenarios when it comes to playoff seeding, but we are keeping it simple, win and in baby!” said a confident Tom “8 Straight Playoff Appearances” Criss following his teams dismantling of the Hilliard Flashes.

The Tagliabue Division continues to be a pillow fight with three teams tied at 6-6 and the Flashes lurking at 5-7.  The division title and last two playoff spots will be settled on the field as the All Stars take on the Cornish Hens and the Dolphins face the Flashes.  “The playoffs start this week. No one wants to be on the outside looking in, and we’re ready to give the All Stars a punch to the balls,” said Hens’ OC Morgan “El Gato” McNeill.

At the bottom of the standings the Miccosukee Nimrods and New Canaan Chrebets will face off in the H.H. Gregg Who Sucks Less Bowl.  A win by the ‘Rods will secure the league’s worst record for the defending NFFL Champion Chrebets.  “People says there ain’t much to play for this weekend. They are wrong. We have pride. And sippy cups full of milk. And ma’s meatloaf,” said a defiant T-Dub “Thinner Crust” Kristoph.

FOUR LOKO NFFL SCOREBOARD

Flashes 68
Eagles 101

Seersuckers 57
Marauders 118

Tortfeasorts 135
Nimrods 78

Dolphins 80
All Stars 89

Chrebets 76
Cornish Hens 72

BOJANGLES NFFL STANDINGS

LOMBARDI DIVISION
TEAM W L T PCT GB
* North Florida Seersuckers 8 4 0 .667
* Golden Eagles 8 4 0 .667
* Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 7 5 0 .583 1
* Mootown Marauders 7 5 0 .583 1
x Miccosukee Nimrods 4 8 0 .333 4
TAGLIABUE DIVISION
TEAM W L T PCT GB
Lamont All Stars 6 6 0 .500
Southwood Dolphins 6 6 0 .500
Monticello Cornish Hens 6 6 0 .500
Hilliard Flashes 5 7 0 .417 1
x New Canaan Chrebets 3 9 0 .250 3

# – Division Champion and first round bye
* – Qualified for the 2012 NFFL Playoffs
x – Eliminated from the 2013 NFFL Playoffs

Taglibue Division a Dumpster Fire

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Monticello News (Monticello, FL) – With two weeks left in the regular season the Tagliabue Division is a dumpster fire.  “No one wants to win it. As soon as someone gets close enough to take control of the division they promptly throw up all over themselves. It’s ridiculous,” said an unnamed league official.

The Southwood Dolphins became the lastest example of Tagliabue futility as they fell to the New Canaan Chrebets 78-56.  “We was playin for our season. A loss would’ve eliminated us from the playoffs. Now we has hope, and hope is a good thing,” said Chrebets owner Bill “Thin Crust” Kristoph as he drew up next week’s game plan on the lid of a pizza box.  Seth “Miss Lippy” Rubin was unavailable for comment and was seen covering his face in paste.

The Hilliard Flashes improved their record to 5-6 and kept their division title hopes alive as they defeated the Lamont All Stars 67-62. “We beat Kirk? I had no idea. I was making a Pintrist board full of really cute things I found on mommy blogger sites!” said Becky “Living on a Prayer” Bonfanti.  The mood was dour in the All Stars’ locker room as players sat silent and received a verbal lashing from head coach Charlie “Ooompa Loompa” Crist. “Men! It’s about consistency. It’s about being stable like a rock and never waiving. It’s about being orange dammit!” shrieked Crist as orange colored tears streaked his fake tanned face.

The Monticello Cornish Hens helped keep the Tagliabue Division muddy as they notched their first win in six weeks with a 102-98 victory over the Slippery Rock Tortfeasors. “Jenny bar the door! The Hens won a game and daddy’s looking for some loving and an ice cold domestic beer!” declared a moderately buzzed Tyler “Mostly Dead” McNeill as he put on a cape and danced about the field.  Mike “Il Duce” Haire scowled from his box and vowed revenge. “He comes to my field. Drinks my near beer. And defiles the premises with his silly cape dance? Revenge will be mine!”

FOUR LOKO NFFL SCOREBOARD

Nimrods 122
Marauders 116

Golden Eagles 62
Seersuckers 116

BOJANGLES NFFL STANDINGS

LOMBARDI DIVISION
TEAM W L T PCT GB
* North Florida Seersuckers 8 3 0 .727
Golden Eagles 7 4 0 .636 1
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 6 5 0 .545 2
Mootown Marauders 6 5 0 .545 2
Miccosukee Nimrods 4 7 0 .364 4
AGLIABUE DIVISION
TEAM W L T PCT GB
Southwood Dolphins 6 5 0 .545
Lamont All Stars 5 6 0 .455 1
Hilliard Flashes 5 6 0 .455 1
Monticello Cornish Hens 5 6 0 .455 1
New Canaan Chrebets 3 8 0 .273 3

# – Division Champion and first round bye
* – Qualified for the 2012 NFFL Playoffs
x – Eliminated from the 2013 NFFL Playoffs

Chrebets Implode in Loss to Flashes

Chrebets Logo

Long Island Sound Bugle (New Canaan, CT) – The field was deserted, empty popcorn and soda containers blew about the grandstands as a solitary figure in a dark green New Canaan sweater vest paced the sideline.  The Chrebets sit at 2-8 after falling to the Hilliard Flashes 105-55. Bill “Thin Crust” Kristoph refused to comment about his team’s performance and walked out into the frigid evening alone. “I’m worried about him, ya know? He takes losin hahd. He cahes about da team and the city. He’ll get it right. By God my dad’ll get it right,” said New Canaan GM T-Dub “Thinner Crust” Kristoph from his personal box.  The win places the Flashes within striking distance of the playoffs. “That’s two straight wins! Bellinis for everyone!” shouted Hilliard OC Julia “Nails” Bonfanti.

In a Tagliabue Division clash between the two top teams the Monticello Cornish Hens were defeated by the Southwood Dolphins 62-54.  The loss was the Hens’ fifth straight and dropped them two games behind the surging ‘Fins. “We thought a pregame meal of Chicken Delite would right the ship. Obviously we were wrong as it made us sluggish and thirsty,” said Hens’ Director of Nutrition Molly “Come At Me Bro” McNeill.  The Dolphins are now 6-4 and in prime position to win their second division crown. “It’s all about the process. We’ll stick to our process and hopefully find ourselves atop the standing in Week 13,” said a rational Michael “Dr.” Rubin.

The Slippery Rock Tortfeasors may have saved their playoff lives with a 93-77 victory over the Mootown Marauders.  The Tortfeasors slid into the fourth playoff seed with the win and are looking to improve their position as the final three weeks of the season approach. “We can win the division. We are one game back. Bonfanti is Italian, and as history has shown those people tend to fold under pressure, eat pastries, and sip espresso,” said a confident Mike “Il Duce” Haire.  The Marauders took the loss hard and released a statement noting they had “way more points over the whole season than those dummy heads above them in the standings” and “even though we lost we look fabulous.” The NFFL Fact Checking Office game a thumbs up to the first statement and refused to address the second.

FOUR LOKO NFFL SCOREBOARD

All Stars 87
Seersuckers 85

Marauders 101
Golden Eagles 119

BOJANGLES NFFL STANDINGS

LOMBARDI DIVISION
TEAM W L T PCT GB
North Florida Seersuckers 7 3 0 .700
Golden Eagles 7 3 0 .700
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 6 4 0 .600 1
Mootown Marauders 6 4 0 .600 1
Miccosukee Nimrods 3 7 0 .300 4
TAGLIABUE DIVISION
TEAM W L T PCT GB
Southwood Dolphins 6 4 0 .600
Lamont All Stars 5 5 0 .500 1
Hilliard Flashes 4 6 0 .400 2
Monticello Cornish Hens 4 6 0 .400 2
New Canaan Chrebets 2 8 0 .200 4

Seersuckers Rout Nimrods

North Florida Seersuckers

Jefferson Journal (Monticello, FL) The North Florida Seersuckers improved their record to a league best 7-2 with a win 88-49 win over the Miccosukee Nimrods.  Following the win the mood in Seers’ locker room was unexpectedly subdued.  “Granny always said to bite the silver to make sure copper ain’t under the skin. Dig a little deeper and this team is copper,” said North Florida’s head coach Matthew McConaughey.  The Nimrods performance was among the league’s worst of the 2013 campaign.  When tracked down for comment Joe “Pirogi” Zollner was on a beach somewhere in Belize.  “Wait, we weren’t on a bye this week? What the hell. I thought we got byes like the players do. Dammit Bennett!” The Seersuckers will look to secure a playoff position next week against the Lamont All Stars while the ‘Rods will tackle the high flying Golden Eagles.

In a Tagliabue Division battle that could have playoff implications the Hilliard Flashes notched their third win of the season in a 101-47 ass whooping of the free falling Monticello Cornish Hens. “I love Tyler, Jenny, and their girls. But I wasn’t sad to see the little McNeills in tears as my team drove the dagger into their daddy’s heart,” said Becky “The Blade” Bonfanti.  The Hens have now lost four straight games and find themselves at 4-5.  “Can Jay Bruce and Mike Trout play football? I need my beautiful man candy to get me into the playoffs,” said a distraught Tyler “Hemlock” McNeill.

A tough season for the defending NFFL Champion New Canaan Chrebets got tougher as they were defeated 112-57 by the Lamont All Stars. The loss is the Chrebets sixth on the season and drops them to the cellar of the Tagliabue Division. “I will not be taking any questions. We will get through this. Bonfanti and the league are behind our struggles, never trust a Sicilian!” shouted Bill “Thin Crust” Kristoph as his team departed Stade de Lamont.  Chrebets GM T-Dub was seen tossing his bottle and crackers onto the floor and also refused to address his team’s struggle. “Fahgetaboutit! Maybe next week aftah we win I’ll address you slouches.” Lamont owner Kirk “Let’s Make a Deal” Reams gave a fist pump and deuces to the Chrebets team as time expired. “Winning is what we do. Next up is North Florida. Fear us.” noted Reams as he guzzled a delicious ice cold Four Loko.

FOUR LOKO NFFL SCOREBOARD

Golden Eagles 150
Tortfeasors 81

Dolphins 123
Marauders 89

BOJANGLES NFFL STANDINGS

LOMBARDI DIVISION
TEAM W L T PCT GB
North Florida Seersuckers 7 2 0 .777
Mootown Marauders 6 3 0 .666 1
Golden Eagles 6 3 0 .666 1
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 5 4 0 .555 2
Miccosukee Nimrods 3 6 0 .333 4
TAGLIABUE DIVISION
TEAM W L T PCT GB
Southwood Dolphins 5 4 0 .555
Cornish Hens 4 5 0 .444 1
Lamont All Stars 4 5 0 .444 1
Hilliard Flashes 3 6 0 .444 2
New Canaan Chrebets 2 7 0 .222 3

Dolphins Swim to Victory Over Nimrods

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Southwood Tattler (Southwood, Florida) – The Southwood Dolphins swam to a 95-85 victory over the hapless Miccosukee Nimrods in Week 8 of NFFL action. The win improved the ‘Fins record to 4-4, good enough for first place in the Tagliabue Division.  “I made bracelets with princesses on them for all the players. I think it made them feel special,” said ‘Fins trainer Zoe “Bedazzler” Rubin.  ‘Fins owner and Zoe’s daddy, Seth “Sabermetrics” Rubin noted he didn’t care if his team work sparkly tutus as long as they won on Sunday.  The loss did not sit well with Joe “Dumpling” Zollner who demanded accountability and a litre of beer before addressing the media. “Losing? How could we lose? Whatever. I have a gallon of beer.”  Next week the Dolphins will look to get over .500 against the Marauders while the ‘Rods will look to rebound against the Seersuckers.

In the Lombardi Division the Mootown Marauders held onto first place with a 137-50 whooping of the Lamont All Stars.  ‘We’re winning, and when you win everything is delightful,” said Mootown GM Geoff “Winner” Gonzalez.  Things are decidedly undelightful in Lamont where Kirk “Bypass” Reams railed against the archaic NFFL rules. “We needed to add a player on Sunday following an injury but could not due to the window being closed. I’m not waking up at 5:30 a.m. on Tuesday to add the guy.  Open the window Commissioner Bonfanti!” The NFFL League Office indicated it would take Lamont’s complaints under advisement, and then promptly burned the grievance notice.

The Golden Eagles kept the pressure on the Lombardi Division leader as they toppled the New Canaan Chrebets 91-76.  The win has the Eagles within one game of the division lead.  “Our team is spectacular. Peyton is lovely. Deferred compensation is grand. Little Debbie cakes are delicious,” said Tom “Enchanted” Criss as he polished off a box of Oatmeal Creme Pies.  The New Canaan Chrebets, a team that can best be desribed as one wracked by turmoil is now 2-6 and in last place. Bill “Thin Crust” Kristoph addressed the media and noted incentives to keep Chrebets coming to the stadium would be unveiled shortly. “We ain’t winnin, so our fans might as well have some fun.”

FOUR LOKO NFFL SCOREBOARD

Seersuckers 102
Cornish Hens 87

Tortfeasors 87
Flashes 84

BOJANGLES NFFL STANDINGS

LOMBARDI DIVISION
TEAM W L T PCT GB
Mootown Marauders 6 2 0 .750
North Florida Seersuckers 6 2 0 .750
Golden Eagles 5 3 0 .625 1
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 5 3 0 .625 1
Miccosukee Nimrods 3 5 0 .375 3
TAGLIABUE DIVISION
TEAM W L T PCT GB
Southwood Dolphins 4 4 0 .500
Monticello Cornish Hens 4 4 0 .500
Lamont All Stars 3 5 0 .375 1
Hilliard Flashes 2 6 0 .250 2
New Canaan Chrebets 2 6 0 .250 2