2014 NFFL Draft Selection Show

NFFL Legal Offices (Tallahassee, FL) – The order for the 2014 NFFL Draft was selected this afternoon. Vice President of Draft Procedures, Kirk “Gobbler” Reams and Tyler “Rizzo is so Hot” McNeill conducted the blind draw in the Jefferson County Ivory Tower. “The NFFL is about integrity, class, avoiding sex-trade charges and winning. This draft order is 100% on the up and up. Otherwise, I would have a much higher pick,” said Reams following the conclusion of the drawing.

The order for the 2014 NFFL Draft is as follows:

1. Southwood Dolphins
2. North Florida Seersuckers
3. Des Moines Dopplebocks
4. Miccosukee Nimrods
5. Slippery Rock Tortfeasors
6. Monticello Cornish Hens
7. Golden Eagles
8. New Canaan Chrebets
9. Mootown Marauders
10. Hilliard Flashes
11. Lamont All-Stars
12. Auburn Numbers

When informed his franchise had been awarded the first pick Seth “Baby Got Back” Rubin beamed from ear to ear.  “This is a position everyone wants to be in. I’m pleased and this is the best moment of my life, even better than what happened that one day in the Burger King bathroom.”

Joe “Pierogi” Zollner, owner of the much maligned Miccosukee Nimrods was furious following the draft results. “How many years will the Commissioner earn the second pick? This is an outrage! I demand equality for all Poles!” he bellowed as he shotgunned his 9th beer of the morning.  A spokesman for the league responded to Mr. Zollner and noted the Seersuckers had the last pick in the 2013 draft.

2014 NFFL Draft

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NFFL.com (Monticello, FL) – In a press release read aloud by Kirk “Vote for Me” Reams on the steps of the historic Jefferson County Courthouse the NFFL announced the 2014 draft will be held on Saturday, August 16 at 12:00 p.m. The 9th annual draft will be at the country horse estate of Kirsten Matthis.  “I bought this quaint plantation with Russian oil money, and it’s about time I showed it off. Like my mama said, shake that moneymaker baby girl!” Matthis exclaimed as she threw twenty dollar bills into the air.

The NFFL also released the draft format and again will utilize a 15 round “snake style” draft to fill each of the 10 teams’ rosters. The draft order will be randomly selected and posted on NFFL.com no later than August 13, 2013. “You’re in for something special this year. It’s real classy,” said NFFL.com IT Director William “Thin Crust” Kristoph.  Trading of draft picks will not be allowed, although once the draft concludes teams are free to move players.

Any league owner who is unable to attend the draft is urged to contact the Commissioner as soon as possible. The league office would also like to point out owners who will be unable to attend the live draft are urged to pre-rank their players. If rankings are not received by the beginning of the draft ESPN’s Top 300 Players will be utilized to fill any absentee owner’s roster. “Not attending the draft is pretty damn pathetic.  You best be there unless you’re a nursing mother, physically incapacitated, or smell like carp,” said Cornish Hen’s owner Tyler “Coverage Sack” McNeill.

2014 NFFL Draft
Date: Saturday, August 16, 2013
Time: 12:00 p.m.
Place: Matthis/Gonzalez Horse Plantation
4331 W. Washington Street
Monticello, Florida

Four Loko Retained as NFFL Sponsor

four lokoNFFL.com (Monticello, FL) – The NFFL is excited to announce it will continue its valued relationship with Four Loko.  The terms of the deal were not released, but is expected Four Loko will furnish refreshments for the upcoming 2014 NFFL Draft, in addition to sponsoring the weekly NFFL Standings.  “One word describes both the NFFL and Four Loko’s delicious beverages; refined. The two compliment one another, especially when your team is down by 58 points on Sunday evening and you just want to get away,” said NFFL Dir. of Marketing Andrew “Blue Hurricane” Woodward.

Despite the news, not all NFFL members were pleased with the new deal. Tom “Temperance” Criss took to the podium outside the Golden Eagles’ headquarters and decried demon loko. “Four Loko is the work of the devil! If this team goes down, the whole league goes down! And that’s when the whores move in.  Men laying their trick-money down, dollars to pay the rent? No! Maybe instead he’ll spend it on the whore,” exclaimed Criss as he chugged a refreshing Watermelon Four Loko.

Four Loko is a crazy delicious drink available in 9 amazing flavors! Join the #LokoNation & Drink Responsibly, Four Loko Premium Malt Beverage, © 2014 Phusion Projects.

NFFL Divisional Alignment Announced

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Journal Star (Lincoln, NE) – After five years of relatively stability the NFFL has announced a radical shift in the layout of its divisions.  Team will now complete in three divisions, each having four teams.  The newly formed Rozelle Division is now home to both expansion franchises (Auburn and Des Moines) and two past champions (Mootown and New Canaan.) “I sees what da Commishna is doin.’ He’s tryin to put da screwz to da Chrebets. Well it won’t work! Ya hear me?” responded Bill “Thin Crust” Kristoph when the news broke.  In a statement released by the defending league champion Marauder Kirsten Matthis indicated she was sad to leave the Lombardi Division, but  looked forward to pummeling the Des Moines squad, run by her former GM and love interest G. Gonzalez, both on and off the field.

With the switch to three divisions the NFFL was still able to maintain the integrity of its schedule.  Teams will still play divisional foes twice, and all out of division teams once, for a total of 14 games.  The three divisional winners and one wild card team will advance to the playoffs.    “Playing every team and still having room for the playoffs took some brain storming.  I give all the credit to the bottle of scotch we killed while batting ideas around,” noted Commission Bonfanti at the press conference.

2014 NFFL Divisions

Lombardi Division
- Golden Eagles
- Miccosukee Nimrods
- North Florida Seersuckers
- Slippery Rock Tortfeasors

Tagliabue Division
- Hilliard Flashes
- Lamont All Stars
- Monticello Cornish Hens
- Southwood Dolphins

Rozelle Division
- Auburn Numbers
- Des Moines Dopplebocks
- Mootown Marauders
- New Canaan Chrebets

Dopplebocks Pour into the NFFL

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Des Moines Register (Des Moines, IA) – The Des Moines Dopplebocks have been announced as the 12th NFFL franchise. The ‘Bocks are owned by Geoff Gonzalez, former GM of the Mootown Marauders.  “I was tired of slaving away, doing all the work, making dinner, adding a running back, and getting none of the credit,” Gonzalez stated before a packed room at Little Timmy’s Ale House & Medical Supply Co.  “This team is going to compete for a title and assert our dominance over the soon to be rudderless Marauders!” he shouted as he double fisted a signature spring ale.

Stunned by the departure of her man candy GM Kirsten “Black Widow” Matthis answered questions while getting a pedicure at Gina’s Nail Bar. “No, I don’t think Geoff leaving our organization will impact us. Can you say paper tiger? What’s in Iowa anyway? Hogs and corn. But whatever, I can’t confirm what he does with all that produce, but midgets makes me queasy.” When questioned about her prior use of a homeless man to make shoes Matthis boiled over.  “It was one pair of shoes people. He was homeless. Homeless! Honestly, you peasants!” Several empty champagne glasses and a Prince CD were seen in the Black Widow’s vicinity and she subsequently passed out while having ‘Fuck U Geoff’ painted on her toes.

With the addition of the Dopplebocks the NFFL will have to address the structure of the league. “Playing every team is very important to all of us. The current two division, six playoff team structure will not allow us to continue on this course.  In the coming weeks we plan to address this issue and forge a new course for our great league,” stated Executive Committee Member Kirk “Murica” Reams.