New Canaan Chrebets Claim NFFL Title

Tallahassee Democrat (Tallahassee, Florida) – The New Canaan Chrebets  won NFFL Cup VII as they defeated the Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 122-99 before a sold out Maxwell House Half-Caf Stadium.  The victory comes in the franchise’s first year of existence and in large part goes to the exquisite general managing of T-Dub “Warm Milk” Kristoph. “What can I say? The kid is amazing. He played the waiver wire perfectly. He knew who to start and who to bench. I really can’t say enough good things about him,” said Bill “Proud Papa” Kristoph.  

Kristoph continued ”We’d like to thank our many fans. Our inaugural season was dream. We’re thrilled that we won the NFFL Championship and we’re excited to defend it next year. We hope Commissioner Bonfanti enjoys his vacation in the Cayman Islands. We also hope that the rest of the league has a great off season. We had a lot of fun. Of course, winning is always fun. We hope to continue this new tradition of fun next season. See you at the draft!”

For the Tortfeasors the defeat stung as the franchise was intent on returning to the top of the NFFL pyramid.  ”Losing is unacceptable. I’m not going to give you some canned answer about how it was great to be here. We wanted to win!” wailed Tag “All By Myself” Romney, the Tortfeasors equipment manager.  Mike “Il Duce” Haire declined to be interviewed and noted his actions in the coming weeks and months would speak louder than any statement written on flimsy combustible paper.

The NFFL Cup will be retrieved in the coming week and taken to Tim “Magic Man” Yoho for engraving before being delivered to the New Canaan Chrebets’ team office.

Chrebets and Tortfeasors Advance to NFFL Cup

She Knows the Golden Eagles’ Pain

Workers Daily (New Canaan, CT) – The match-up for NFFL Cup VII is set after the New Canaan Chrebets and Slippery Rock Tortfeasors both won their semi-final games. The early game saw New Cannan tie the Golden Eagles 90-90.  Pursuant to NFFL league rules, the higher seed advances meaning the top seeded Chrebets earned a ticket to the finals.    Ealges’ owner Tom “Nancy Kerrigan” Criss was inconsolable following the loss. “Why me? Why me? Whyyyyyy? It was a technicality! We should have had overtime? Whyyyyyy?” Criss wailed as he was led award from the post-game press conference podium.  ”Some would say we backed into the Championship Game, I’d just like to tell those people to suck on my BPA free bottle and realize the regular season has meaning,” said Chrebets GM T-Dub Kristoph.

The late game saw the second seeded Slippery Rock Tortfeasors demolish the   plucky Monticello Cornish Hens 95-62.  ”We had a grrat season and we go out with our heads held high.  Plus, we know the Tortfeasors are going to get rolled by the Chrebets in the final,” said a defiant Morgan “Iron Curtain” McNeill who served this year as the Hens’ defensive coordinator.  As he left the locker room Hens’ owner Tyler “Silver Bullet” McNeill noted he still had more NFFL Titles than Kirk Reams, so all was right with the world.   The mood in the Tortfeasors’ owner box was strangely subdued following the loss.  ”This win is sweet. Like an early victory against the French in WWII.  I feel the next game will not be so easy, I fear it could be our Stalingrad,” said Slippery Rock owner Mike “Il Duce” Haire.

SLAP CHOP NFFL PLAYOFF SCHEDULE

#1 New Canaan Chrebets vs. #3 Slippery Rock Tortfeasors

Golden Eagles and Hens Advance to Semi-Finals

Lamont Evening Post (Lamont, FL) – The Lamont All Stars fell to the Golden Eagles 126-60 in the first round of the NFFL Playoffs.  The All Stars were unaware they were in the playoffs until sometime in the second half.  “I’m not sure what happened.  There are obviously communication issues in our organization.  I blame the Electoral College for the loss,” said a defiant Kirk “Butterfly Ballot” Reams following the embarrassing defeat.  The Golden Eagles move on to the NFFL Semi-Finals for the second straight year, and will face the top seeded New Canaan Chrebets. “We’re looking forward to the challenge.  I’m not sure what will happen, but I guarantee you the game will not end in a tie,” said Eagles’ OC Jeff “Rainbow” Bowden.

In the second opening round playoff game the Monticello Cornish Hens defeated the North Florida Seersuckers 141-94.  This marks the third straight season the ‘Seers have lost in the first week of the playoffs. “Fantasy football is a cruel mistress, and we are nothing if not consistent,” said an introspective Mike “Four Roses” Bonfanti as he sipped his favorite libation neat.  For the Hens, their sights are on toppling the struggling Tortfeasors and reclaiming the NFFL Cup. Hens’ owner Tyler “Bare Knuckles” McNeill commented on the victory before hitting the team hot tub.  “Beating the ‘Seers was great, but I basically own him. Like a monkey. Who I dress up. The Tortfeasors are a different story, but I am confident they will drink from the River of Suck, and get rolled by my Hens!”

SLAP CHOP NFFL PLAYOFF SCHEDULE

#2 Slippery Rock Tortfeasors vs. #3 Monticello Cornish Hens

#1 New Canaan Chrebets vs. #4 Golden Eagles

Chrebets and Tortfeasors Earn First Round Byes

Tallahassee Democrat (Tallahassee, FL) – The New Canaan Chrebets earned the number one overall seed, and a first round bye, in the NFFL Playoffs by decimating the Miccosukee Nimrods 126-67.  The Chrebets finish the season 10-2-1, good for the best regular season mark since the 2007  Golden Eagles went 12-1 on their way to their first NFFL Championship.  On his way to board the team’s private jet, owner William “None of yous gave a kid from the tough streets of New Canaan a chance in your fancy pants league. Do you like apples? Well I grabbed the numbah one seed in the playoffs. How do you like dem apples?”  The Nimrods owner refused comment and indicated his GM’s job could be on the line. Bennett “Boy Wonder” Zollner issued a statement noting “he was Joe Zollner’s son” and “could not be terminated because mom would be really upset.”

The Slippery Rock Tortfeasors beat the North Florida Seersuckers 105-90 and earned the second overall seed, and a first round bye, in the NFFL Playoffs.  The Tortfeasors finished the year 10-3 and look forward to the week off. “We really need to file a lot of appellate briefs this week, and the bye is going to come in handy.  A fellas gotta earn a living somehow,” said a jubilant Mike Haire as he skipped off to Circuit Court.

The Monticello Cornish Hens finished strong as they squeaked out a win over their arch rival, the Lamont All Stars, 91-89.  The win secured the third seed in the playoffs and a first round match-up with the North Florida Seersuckers.  “They made the playoffs? Seriously? That team is a dumpster fire. So we basically have a bye? Am I right?” said a confident Tyler “Jay Bruce has a Pretty Mouth” McNeill.  For the All Stars, they locked down the fifth seed with a 6-6-1 record and will face the Golden Eagles.  Kirk “Hanging Chad” Reams indicated it would be a hard fought battle focused on the issues and not personal attacks.  “I’m not saying that Tom has no idea what he’s doing, but he has no idea what he’s doing. Is this mic hot? Dammit.”

Following a 100-85 defeat of the Mootown Marauders the Golden Eagles secured the fourth seed with Tom “Soar Like an Eagle” Criss upon hearing his team would be facing the Lamont All Stars he put down his bottle of sparkling grape juice, took off his party hat, and asked the dancers to leave. “Lamont should not be underestimated. Sure they’re run by a shady politician with a pension for girly drinks, but they’re no pushover!”  The two teams will settle their differences on the field.

The final seed in the playoffs went to the North Florida Seersuckers. Despite dropping four straight games and finishing the season with a dreadful 5-8 record, the ‘Seers became the first team to qualify for the post season with a sub-.500 record.  Although tied with both the Nimrods and Dolphins at 5-8, the ‘Seers held the all important head to head tie breaker against both squads.  “Frankly, I’m amazed we finagled our way into the bracket.  5-8 may not be the prettiest record, but she’s good enough to get us into the dance,” said Mike “Carolina Gold” Bonfanti as he sipped a fine single barrel bourbon.

SLAP CHOP NFFL PLAYOFF SCHEDULE

#6 North Florida Seersuckers vs. #3 Monticello Cornish Hens

#5 Lamont All Stars vs. #4 Golden Eagles

#1 New Canaan Chrebets and #2 Slippery Rock Tortfeasors – First round byes

FIVE GUYS NFFL Standings

LOMBARDI DIVISION
TEAM	W	L	T	PCT	GB
# Slippery Rock Tortfeasors	10	3	0	.769	–
* Golden Eagles	7	6	0	.538	3
* North Florida Seersuckers	5	8	0	.385	5
x Miccosukee Nimrods	5	8	0	.385	5
x Mootown Marauders	4	9	0	.308	6

TAGLIABUE DIVISION
TEAM	W	L	T	PCT	GB
# New Canaan Chrebets	10	2	1	.808	–
* Monticello Cornish Hens	8	5	1	.615	2.5
* Lamont All Stars	6	6	1	.500	3
x Southwood Dolphins	5	8	0	.385	5.5
x Hilliard Flashes	4	9	0	.308	6.5

# – Division Champion and first round bye
* – Qualified for the 2012 NFFL Playoffs
x – Eliminated from the 2012 NFFL Playoffs

Chrebets Capture Tagliabue Division Title

New York Daily News (New York, NY) – The New Canaan Chrebets captured the Tagliabue Division crown with a 117-112 win over the Monticello Cornish Hens.  The win coupled with another Tortfeasors’ loss moved the Chrebets into the first seed for the upcoming NFFL Playoff. Following the traditional New Canaan Dance, owner William “Lead Pipe” Kristoph, addressed the media. “I’m wicked happy to win da division crown in our furst season in the NFFL. I’d like to thank the Teamsters Local 894, the Fraternal Order of Police, and Mickey the Greek for making sure everything went smooth like this season.  I’d also like to tell that Bonfanti kid, New Canaan has three a’s for when its time to engrave my trophy.” The Monticello Cornish Hens were saddened by the loss, but vowed to fight on. “We view the Chrebets as the Evil Empire. It’s time to employ an X-wing fighter or two, and smoke that fool in the playoffs,” said a defiant Mae “Medicine Ball” McNeill.

The Slippery Rock Tortfeasors stumbled again as they fell to the Miccosukee Nimrods 81-71. The win keeps the ‘Rods playoff hopes alive as they head into the final week of the season. “We better get into the playoff. I’m so tired of the NFFL’s policy of racism against Polish people.  It’s not your time, it’s our time!” said Joey “Pierogi” Zollner.  Nimrods GM Bennett “Boy Wonder” Zollner distanced himself from his father’s comments and noted “We aren’t even Polish.” The Tortfeasors refused to comment following the loss, and retreated to the locker room for a player only meeting.  Details later leaked out they were actually comparing Cyber Monday deals instead of focusing on saving their once promising season. “You paid $599.00 for a 50″ flat screen? You crazy,” said an unnamed source, Peyton Manning, who attended the meeting.

With one week left in the NFFL season, the playoff picture is muddled.  The Chrebets, Tortfeasors, Hens and All Stars have all qualified.  Both the Chrebets and Tortfeasors have earned first round byes as division champs.  If the Chrebets win next week they will lock up the number one seed.  A loss, will open the door for the Totfeasors to grab the top spot.  Five other teams are vying for the last two playoff spots.  The Golden Eagles control their own destiny and can advance with a win.  The path for the Seersuckers, Nimrods, Dolphins, and Marauders for the final spot is less clear and each team will need some help to advance to the playoffs.

SLAP CHOP NFFL Scoreboard

Flashes 79
Golden Eagles 132

Dolphins 97
All Stars 113

Seersuckers 72
Marauders 87

FIVE GUYS NFFL Standings

LOMBARDI DIVISION
TEAM	W	L	T	PCT	GB
# Slippery Rock Tortfeasors	9	3	0	.750	–
Golden Eagles	6	6	0	.500	3
North Florida Seersuckers	5	7	0	.417	4
Miccosukee Nimrods	5	7	0	.417	4
Mootown Marauders	4	8	0	.333	5

TAGLIABUE DIVISION
TEAM	W	L	T	PCT	GB
# New Canaan Chrebets	9	2	1	.792	–
* Monticello Cornish Hens	7	5	1	.583	2.5
* Lamont All Stars	6	5	1	.542	3
Southwood Dolphins	5	7	0	.417	4.5
x Hilliard Flashes	3	9	0	.273	6.5

# – Division Champion and first round bye
* – Qualified for the 2012 NFFL Playoffs
x – Eliminated from the 2012 NFFL Playoffs