Marauders Win NFFL Cup VI

Tallahasee Democrat (Tallahassee, FL) – The Mootown Marauders capped an unbelievable season as they captured NFFL VI with a 111-96 victory over the Southwood Dolphins.  Prior to the 2011 season the Marauders defined NFFL futility as they never had a winning season and were a combined 10-43 all time. ”I really cannot put into words how much this win means for the Marauders, but I will try. It means I am number one and get the NFFL Cup for an entire year. It also means I can taunt the Eagles’ owner for losing to a girl. It also means I can look really cute as I drink the tears of the vanquished from the Cup following my victory parade!” said Kirsten “Balls of Steel” Matthis.

Marauders GM Geoff “Lead Pipe Lock” Gonzalez celebrated high above the locker room at Level 8 with an ice cold Dogfish Head 90-Minute IPA. “I was hired to do a job, to win the NFFL Cup, and I did it. I take satisfaction in knowing I ruined a lot of peoples’ year by helping Kirsten to victory. To anyone who think the Marauders do not deserve the Cup I’ll offer up some advice, try harder to beat us in 2012 suckers!” Gonzalez refused to address the media following these brief comments and indicated he was looking forward to assisting the Marauders in 2012 if his contract was renewed.

For the Southwood Dolphins it marks the third straight season of failing to win the NFFL Cup.  However, rather than being bitter Dolphins’ owner Seth “Wait Till Next Year” Rubin was gracious in defeat.  “We had a good season. I wanted to win but due to injuries during the game things didn’t work out as I would have liked.  We’ll use the off season to reasses our approach to managing the Dolphins and look to repeat as Tagliabue Division Champions in 2012.”

At press time the NFFL Cup was being transported to the league office.  Upon arrived the official engraver, Tim “The Machine” Yoho, will update the Cup to add the Marauders and Matthis’ names.  Stay tuned to NFFL.com for live coverage of the Cup Presentation.

Marauders to Face Dolphins for NFFL Title

Mootown Ends Eagles' Season in Style

Mootown Journal-Sentinel (Mootown, FL) – The Mootown Marauders punched their ticket to NFFL Cup VI with a 87-66 victory over the Golden Eagles.  Following weeks of high flying performances the Eagles had no answer for a determined Marauders squad led by shoe addict Kirsten “High Couture” Matthis. “I did not want to just defeat the Eagles, I wanted to emasculate them. I accomplished my goal and look forward to reminding Mr. Criss on a daily basis who ended his season” said Matthis as she sipped champagne from a Christian Louboutin fetooned in golden eagle feathers.

For the Eagles the defeat marks another exit from the playoffs without capturing the NFFL Cup. “It’s been five long years and obviously as an organization we’re disappointed. However the season was not a total loss as we continued to gentrify the area around Golden Eagle Field and made a tidy profit forcing approximately 1,500 homeless men, women and children into white slavery in Southeast Asia.” said Eagles’ owner Tom “Soul Coffin” Criss.  Criss closed his press conference by noting unlike the Marauders owner he had “class” and would heartily congratulate her during the NFFL’s Winter Meetings.

In the other semi-final the Southwood Dolphins defeated the Miccosukee Nimrods 112-82.  The win was the first ever playoff victory for the Dolphins and ensure the first time since expansion the two top seeded teams will meet for the NFFL Cup.  “I’d like to thank the great team of Rubins I have assembled to run my franchise.  Mikey is a great offensive coordinator. Troy is scheming like a mini-Saban as our defensive coordinator.  Zoe is a crazy good GM. Now it’s time to win the Cup!” said an estatic Seth “Honey Badger” Rubin before a champagne soaked Dolpins’ locker room.

As could be expected the Miccosukee Nimrods were not pleased by the final outcome. “Dammit, losing sucks! We should have won. It’s a conspiracy by the NFFL to keep us from the finals. It’s because I am Polish and refused to sign a blood oath with the New World Order. Well the NFFL can suck my balls. Did you get that? Balls. B-a-l-l-s.” said a disgruntled ‘Rods’ owner Joey ”Pierogi” Zollner.   The NFFL Office denied owners were required to sign a blood oath and indicated any relationship with the New World Order was informal at best.

Energy Blaster 3000 NFFL PLAYOFF SCHEDULE

#2 Southwood Dolphins vs. #1 Mootown Marauders

Nimrods and Eagles Advance to Semi-Finals

Downtown Miccosukee Erupts in Celebration

Miccosukee Daily Raider (Miccosukee, FL) – The Miccosukee Nimrods rallied to defeat the North Florida Seersuckers 101-92 in the First Round of the NFFL Playoffs.  This marks the second straight season the ‘Seers have suffered a first round playoff loss at the hands of the 6th seeded team.   Following a private team dinner at Honey Lake Plantation ‘Seers owner Mike “Buffalo Trace” Bonfanti addressed the media.  “I’m not going to say I’m happy about losing, but my cabinet is stocked with bourbon, the air has a chill to it at night, and the front porch is calling my name.  Best of luck to Nimrods and we’ll be back in 2012 better than ever!”

Joe “Pierogi” Zollner was estatic following the victory of the Seersuckers. “We own North Florida. We beat them during the regular season and we did it again. 2-0 baby! Suck it ‘Seers! Suck it!” The victory sets up a meeting with the Southwood Dolphins.  The Nimrods and Dolphins split the season series with one win a piece although the Miccosukee front office is putting little stock in their earlier defeat.  “History is for dusty old books and losers. The Dolphins are going to get gaffed like a bluefin tuna.” said Nimrods’ Director of Player Personnel Bennett “Tebow” Zollner.

In the other first round game the Monticello Cornish Hens’ reign as NFFL Champions came to an end following a 131-108 loss to the surging Golden Eagles.  As the final seconds ticked off the clock Hens’ owner Tyler “Double Move” McNeill was seen holding the NFFL Cup to his chest defiantly raising his fist into the air.  “I love the Cup. It means so much to me. To have our season end this way is crushing. What will fill the void left by its departure in my office? Right now, I’m thinking of what Sarah said, that love is watching someone die.”

The Golden Eagles’ locker room was in a much less introspective mood as champagne cascaded from the ceiling. Several immigrant workers (illegally employed by the Eagles organization) manned confetti guns as Nicki Minaj kicked off the celebration singing Super Eagles. “This is how we do it. We build our organization on the backs of the poor and live it up when we can! Who wants more caviar?” asked Tom “This Is Our Year” Criss as he handed out bonus checks to his players.  The hot handed Eagles will now face the Mootown Marauders, a team they lost to twice during the regular season.

Energy Blaster 3000 NFFL PLAYOFF SCHEDULE

#6 Miccosukee Nimrods vs. #2 Southwood Dolphins

#4 Golden Eagles vs. #1 Mootown Marauders

Marauders Capture Division Crown and Top Playoff Seed

Jefferson County Journal (Monticello, FL) -The Cinderella season for the beleaguered Mootown Marauders continued as they defeated the Hilliard Flashes 118-91  to finish with a 9-4 record.  The Marauders’ performance was good enough to capture the Lombardi Division crown and the #1 seed in the playoffs.  “From selling a controlling interest to Gazprom to making shoes out of the skin of a homeless man, last year was a hot mess.   I really can’t describe how I feel right now except to say, suck it Tom!” said a champagne soaked Kirsten “the Sniper” Matthis. The Marauders’ GM, Geoff Gonzalez could not be reached for comment as he was at a local club making it rain.

The Slippery Rock Tortfeasors had their playoff lives on the line as they faced the North Florida Seersuckers.  The ‘Seers proved to be too much as the the Tortfeasors threw up all over themselves in a 99-72 loss.  The win secured the #3 seed for the ‘Seers and eliminated the Tortfeasors. “We win, people are happy. The streets are filled with confetti, music and love. We lose, people are angry. Looters take to the streets, people disappear and children cry. I am sad our team chose the latter course,” said Tortfeasors’ owner Mike “Il Duce” Haire from outside his mountaintop villa.  The mood in the Seersuckers’ locker room was a subdued jubilance.  “We were in the same position last year and got knocked out in the first round by the Hens. We’ll celebrate when we lift the Cup,” said ‘Seer quarterback Tom Brady Bundchen.

Tom Criss’ Golden Eagles stormed into the playoffs with a 146-90 whipping of the Tallahassee Terrors.  The wins wraps up the #4 seed for the Eagles and caps a season marked by both high and low points. “We started the season off slow but finished strong. Donna did a great job coaching the team and I think I’ll take her out to the Sizzler,” said Tom “Cupmeister-Meistercup” Criss.  For the Terrors the off season will be a long one as they finished with their second worst record.  “Changes need to be made. I’ll consult with Doctor Facilie and we’ll go from there,” said Terrors’ owner Brian “Voodoo” Hunter.

In Tagliabue Division action the Southwood Dolphins with a 118-101 victory over the Lamont All Stars sewed the division championship, #2 seed, and a first round playoff bye .  The All Stars were eliminated from the playoffs and owner Kirk “Ballot Box” Reams addressed their fans at Rancho Grande following the loss. “No one is happy about how our season unfolded, but I can tell you that all the Queso dip and $2 bottom shelf margaritas you can drink are on me. Vote Reams!”

The final game of the weekend saw the defending NFFL Champion Monticello Cornish Hens wax the sagging Miccosukee Nimrods 98-64. The win edged the Hens into the #5 seed and dropped the ‘Rods into the 6th spot. “We had a great start to the season and then Vick got hurt and my team started sucking. I am glad we’re in the playoffs but it’s going to take a Christmas miracle for us to go anywhere. Fuck it!” said a distraught and visibly intoxicated ‘Rods owner Joe “Pierogi” Zollner.

Energy Blaster 3000 NFFL PLAYOFF SCHEDULE

#6 Miccosukee Nimrods vs. #3 North Florida Seersuckers

#5 Monticello Cornish Hens vs. #4 Golden Eagles

#1 Mootown Marauders and #2 Southwood Dolphins – First round byes

Subway Fresh Take NFFL Standings

LOMBARDI DIVISION
TEAM	W	L	T	PCT	GB
# Mootown Marauders	9	4	0	.692	–
* North Florida Seersuckers	8	5	0	.615	1
* Golden Eagles	7	5	1	.577	1.5
x Slippery Rock Tortfeasors	6	7	0	.462	3
x Tallahassee Nitro Terrors	2	10	1	.192	6.5

TAGLIABUE DIVISION
TEAM	W	L	T	PCT	GB
# Southwood Dolphins	9	4	0	.692	–
* Monticello Cornish Hens	7	5	1	.577	1.5
* Miccosukee Nimrods	7	6	0	.538	2
x Lamont All Stars	5	7	1	.423	3.5
x Hilliard Flashes	3	10	0	.231	6

# – Division Champion and first round bye
* – Qualified for the 2011 NFFL Playoffs
x – Eliminated from the 2011 NFFL Playoffs

Hens Fall to Eagles as NFFL Playoff Race Heats Up

Monticello News (Monticello, FL) – The race for the 2011 NFFL Playoffs were thrown into complete turmoil as the Golden Eagles came from behind to defeat the Monticello Cornish Hens 112-103.  Following the loss Hens fans took to the streets of Monticello and set fire to the Hens offices.  “Something needs to be done. We are the 99% and will Occupy Monticello until the Hens’ leaderships meet our demands,” said OM spokes-human Sean Penn.  The movement’s demands include free hot wings from Chicken Delite, a 20% off coupon to Family Dollar for all OM members, and a lead for Penn in a made for TV movie.  Hens’ owner Tyler “Molotov” McNeill declined to address the crowd of looters and issued a statement indicating he was “drinking champagne from the NFFL Cup like a pimp” and would address their concerns “if he had time, perhaps in 2014.”

Six teams will qualify for the 2011 NFFL Playoffs with each division champion earning a first round bye.  If two teams have identical records tie-breakers are used to determine who advances.  These tie-breakers are head-to-head record, total points scored (“TPS”) and intra-divisional record.  The current playoff scenario for each team is detailed below.

LOMBARDI DIVISION

Mootown Marauders: The Marauders have clinched a playoff spot. They will clinch the Lombardi Division title with a win. They will still clinch the division title with a loss and a Seersuckers win if they have more TPS than the ‘Seers at the end of the season.  Currently the Marauders leads the ‘Seers in TPS by 40.

North Florida Seersuckers: The ‘Seers can clinch the division with a win, a Marauders loss and scoring 41 more points than the Marauders.  The ‘Seers will make the playoffs with a win.  The ‘Seers can make the playoffs with a loss if they lose by less than 22 points to the Tortfeasors.

Golden Eagles: The Eagles will make the playoffs with a win.  The Eagles can make the playoffs with a loss if the Tortfeasors lose, the Hens lose, and the All Stars win if the All Stars do not score 26 more points than the Eagles.

Slippery Rock Tortfeasors: The Tortfeasors will make the playoffs with a win and the margin of victory over the ‘Seers is by 24 points or more.  The Tortfeasors will be eliminated from playoff contention with a loss.

Tallahassee Terrors: The Terrors have been eliminated from the 2011 NFFL Playoffs,

TAGLIABUE DIVISION

Southwood Dolphins: The Dolphins have clinched a playoff spot. They will clinch the Tagliabue Division title with a win.  They will clinch the division title with a loss and a Nimrods win if they have more TPS than the ‘Rods at the end of the season.  Currently the Dolphins lead the ‘Rods in TPS by 152.

Miccosukee Nimrods: The Nimods have clinched a playoff spot.  They can clinch the division with a win, a Dolphins loss, and scoring 153 more points than the Dolphins.

Monticello Cornish Hens: The Hens will clinch a playoff spot with a win.  The Hens can make the playoffs with a loss if the Tortfeasors also lose.  The Hens can make the playoffs with a loss, an Eagles loss and an All Stars win as the Hens hold the tiebreaker against the All Stars.

Lamont All Stars: The All Stars can make the playoffs with a win, an Eagles loss, and scoring 26 more points in Week 13 than the Eagles. The All Stars will be eliminated with a loss.

Hilliard Flashes: The Flashes have been eliminated from the 2011 NFFL Playoffs.

Energy Blaster 3000 NFFL Scoreboard

Flashes 79
All Stars 129

Tortfeasors 60
Marauders 90

Seersuckers 103
Terrors 90

Nimrods 85
Dolphins 119

Subway Fresh Take NFFL Standings

LOMBARDI DIVISION
TEAM	W	L	T	PCT	GB
*Mootown Marauders	8	4	0	.667	–
North Florida Seersuckers	7	5	0	.583	1
Golden Eagles	6	5	1	.542	1.5
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors	6	6	0	.500	2
x Tallahassee Nitro Terrors	2	9	1	.208	5.5

TAGLIABUE DIVISION
TEAM	W	L	T	PCT	GB
*Southwood Dolphins	8	4	0	.667	–
*Miccosukee Nimrods	7	5	0	.583	1
Monticello Cornish Hens	6	5	1	.542	1.5
Lamont All Stars	5	6	1	.458	2.5
x Hilliard Flashes	3	9	0	.250	5

* – Qualified for the 2011 NFFL Playoffs
x – Eliminated from the 2011 NFFL Playoffs

Flashes Upset Nimrods

Nassau County Record (Hilliard, FL) – In front of a sold out Mitchell L. Bandy Stadium the Hilliard Flashes pulled the upset of the NFFL season by defeating the Miccosukee Nimrods 94-91.  As the final seconds ticked off the clock the crowd stormed over the railings, ripped the goal posts down and celebrated. “After losing our mascot Cricket this win is just what this franchise needed! I’m headed to Kings Bar to celebrate!” said Flashes Director of Player Personnel Mike Bandy.   The loss drops the Nimrods to 7-4 and places them in a tie for the Tagliabue Division lead. “Losing to a girl is unacceptable. Once I finish my plate of delectable galumpkis I am canning our head coach,” said Nimrods’ owner Joe Zollner.

In another Tagliabue clash the Southwood Dolphins defeated the Monticello Cornish Hens 85-74.  The win moves the Dolphins a 1/2 game ahead of the Hens and into a first place tie with their hated rival, the Miccosukee Nimrods.  “We’re the best team in this division and will prove it by any means necessary,” said Dolphins TE coach Doug Mankiewicz.  Next weeks’ game against the Nimrods now looms large as it will likely determine which team wins the division and earns a coveted first round bye.

In Lombardi Division action the Mootown Marauders defeated the Tallahassee Terrors 73-60.  Coupled with the Seersuckers’ and Tortfeasors’ losses the victory places the Marauders in sole possession of first place.  “I’m not saying she shouldn’t be proud of her team, I’m just saying she’s not winning the right way. Don’t quote me on that,” said Eagles’ owner, Tom Criss, who wished to remain nameless

Energy Blaster 3000 NFFL Scoreboard

Eagles 121
Seersuckers 86

All Stars 106
Tortfeasors 71

Subway Fresh Take NFFL Standings

LOMBARDI DIVISION
TEAM	W	L	T	PCT	GB
Mootown Marauders	7	4	0	.636	–
North Florida Seersuckers	6	5	0	.545	1
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors	6	5	0	.545	1
Golden Eagles	5	5	1	.500	1.5
Tallahassee Nitro Terrors	2	8	1	.227	4.5

TAGLIABUE DIVISION
TEAM	W	L	T	PCT	GB
Miccosukee Nimrods	7	4	0	.636	–
Southwood Dolphins	7	4	0	.636	–
Monticello Cornish Hens	6	4	1	.591	0.5
Lamont All Stars	4	6	1	.409	2.5
Hilliard Flashes	3	8	0	.273	4

Terrors Terrible in Loss to Tortfeasors

Tallahassee Democrat (Tallahassee, FL) – The season of woe continues for the once proud Tallahassee Terrors as they were decimated by the Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 77-28.   Several of the Terrors forgot a game was scheduled this week and failed to travel with the team.  “We’re still playing? That’s news to me. I thought we were done for the year,” said Terrors’ star running back Chris “Show Me the Money” Johnson.  The Terrors’ owner Brian “Dreamland” Hunter consoled himself with a large chopped pork sandwich after the game and refused to address the media.  The loss drops the Terros to 2-7-1 and effectively eliminates them from the NFFL Playoffs.

The Mootown Marauders continued their winning ways as they defeated the Golden Eagles 98-72.  The Marauders are now in first place in the Lombardi Division by virtue of the tie breaker they hold against the sagging Seersuckers. “OMG, being in first place is awesome!” said an excited Marauders’ owner Kirsten “Gazprom” Matthis.  For the Eagles, the NFFL Playoffs are not out of the question and they will look to rebound against a stumbling North Florida team in Week 11.

The Miccosukee Nimrods Cinderella season continued this week as they defeated the Lamont All Stars 83-80.  The Nimrods at 7-3 have the best record in the NFFL and are in good position to claim a first round bye in the NFFL Playoffs. “Fuck yeah! That’s what I’m talking about! Lamont is a bunch of losers. We are winners!” said a jacked up Joey “Pierogi” Zollner.  The Nimrods will look to tighten their hold on first place next week when they travel to Hilliard.

Energy Blaster 3000 NFFL Scoreboard

Dolphins 104
Seersuckers 86

Cornish Hens 95
Flashes 79

Subway Fresh Take NFFL Standings

LOMBARDI DIVISION
TEAM	W	L	T	PCT	GB
Mootown Marauders	6	4	0	.600	–
North Florida Seersuckers	6	4	0	.600	–
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors	6	4	0	.600	–
Golden Eagles	4	5	1	.450	1.5
Tallahassee Nitro Terrors	2	7	1	.250	3.5

TAGLIABUE DIVISION
TEAM	W	L	T	PCT	GB
Miccosukee Nimrods	7	3	0	.700	–
Monticello Cornish Hens	6	3	1	.650	0.5
Southwood Dolphins	6	4	0	.600	1
Lamont All Stars	3	6	1	.350	3.5
Hilliard Flashes	2	8	0	.200	5