Numbers > Nimrods

numbers_logo2Auburn Carrier Pigeon (Auburn, AL) – Before a packed house at Duck Stamford Stadium the Auburn Numbers continued their early season success as they rolled to a 125-80 victory over perennial NFFL disappointments, the Miccosukee Nimrods. “After last season’s terrible start to the season it’s nice to be 2-1 and close to a playoff spot. Since the league ditched its weekly power rankings I have more time to devote to pounding my opponents,” said Auburn owner Andrew “Slide Rule” Woodward.  A defiant and visibly intoxicated Joey “Pierogi” Zollner refused to admit defeat and had to be forcibly removed from the visiting team owner’s luxury box. “Losing is fine! It’s fine! Everything is fine! I’m fine! My team sucks balls, but whatever!” he mumbled as he was poured into the team bus.

The Little Lebowski Urban Achievers notched their first win of the 2016 campaign with a 103-71 win against the Golden Eagles. The Achievers cruised to victory on the sculpted muscular back of Aaron Rodgers. “Beating the Eagles is sweet. Beating the Eagles watching Rodgers drop 34 on them is extra special. Plus he has a a great ass,” said Achievers’s CEO Luke “House Money” Grabowski. For the Eagles the loss puts to bed any dreams of a perfect season. “The NFFL is a grind, and it’s hard to win let alone run the table. We’ll take it a week at a time, and while we’re not pleased with today’s result, we are already preparing for next week,” said Golden coach Jimbo Fisher.

In a battle of 0-2 teams the Salem Sweepers stood tallest as they toweled off the Dolphins 69-61. The loss drops Southwood, one of the most successful NFFL franchises to a dismal 0-3. “Losing is not part of what makes Southwood great. Delicious burritos, easy access to the Lumber Liquidators showroom, and ample parking make Southwood great. I vow to not rest until we win a game!” said Fins’ owner Seth “Lemon Man” Rubin. Sweepers’ owner Len “Windex” Bonfanti could not be reached for comment as he was enjoying a delicious seafood platter at the Weathervane.


Chihuahuas 79
Tortfeasors 87

Dolphins 87
Nimrods 114

Colony 83
Achievers 57

Tort feasts 89
Bunnies 63


Coles Miners 3 0 0 1.000
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 3 0 0 1.000
Mootown Marauders 2 1 0 .667 1
Auburn Numbers 2 1 0 .667 1
Canadian Beavers 2 1 0 .667 1
Golden Eagles 2 1 0  .667 1
Jameistown Colony 2 1 0  .667 1
Miccosukee Nimrods 1 2 0 .333 2
Ivernia Avengers 1 2 0 .333 2
Salem Sweepers 1 2 0 .333 2
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers 1 2 0 .333 2
West Washington Chihuahuas 1 2 0 .000 2
Fluffiest Bunnies 0 3 0 .000 3
Southwood Dolphins 0 3 0 .000 3


Marauders Sweep Salem



Mootown Examiner (Jefferson County, FL) – The Mootown Marauders thumped the Salem Sweepers 152-98. According to several unnamed sources (and  the general laziness of the league office to fact check) it was the highest regular season point total. The NFFL confirmed Len “Mr. Clean” Bonfanti had lodged a formal complaint against the Mootown Club alleging the Marauders “drafted too well and knows too much about football.” A confident Kirsten “Muskego” Matthis promised there was more beat downs in store for the rest of the NFFL, and declined anabolic horse steroids played any part in her team’s success. “You’re either a Manolo or from Payless. I think we know which is which here,” said Matthis, as she flung her shopping bags over her shoulder and left the stadium while “We Are the Champions” played from her personal sound track.

Keeping up with the Marauders, the Coles Miners improved to 2-0 with a 84-61 victory of the Canadian Beavers. Philip Rivers scored 31 for the Miners while Drew Brees could only muster a measly 16 for the visiting Beavers. “I’m not going to say Lorraine out coached a college professor that would be rude. All I’ll say is scoreboard!” said Miners owner Miriam “Anthracite” Coles. Always gracious in defeat the Beavers issued a statement inviting the Miners to “suck her poutine”

In the final featured game of the weekend the West Washington Chihuahuas edged the Ivernia Avengers 100-93 at Estadio Negra Modelo. The win was the first of the season for the feisty Chis and evened their record to 1-1. “People under estimate our team because we’re made up of a bunch of Gemini vegetarians.” said Chihuahua’s head coach Bruiser Woods. Ivernia made a late comeback but fell short. “Anytime you lose to the mascot of a taco chain it hurts.” said Avs owner Eric “Coke Zero” Luallen.


Eagles 99
Numbers 80

Dolphins 87
Nimrods 114

Colony 83
Achievers 57

Tortfeasors 89
Bunnies 63


Mootown Marauders 2 0 0 1.000
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 2 0 0 1.000
Coles Miners 2 0 0 1.000
Golden Eagles 2 0 0 1.000
Miccosukee Nimrods 1 1 0 .500
Ivernia Avengers 1 1 0  .500
West Washington Chihuahuas 1 1 0  .500
Auburn Numbers 1 1 0 .500 1
Canadian Beavers 1 1 0 .500 1
Jameistown Colony 1 1 0 .500 1
Salem Sweepers 0 2 0 .000 2
Fluffiest Bunnies 0 2 0 .000 2
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers 0 2 0 .000 2
Southwood Dolphins 0 2 0 .000 2


Tortfeasors Rock Achievers in Opener


Tallahassee Democrat (Tallahassee, FL) – Following a historically sub-par 2015 season the Slippery Rock Tortfeasor made a statement to open the 2016 season as they defeated the upstart Little Lebowski Urban Achievers 127-107. The Tortfeasors were 5-9 last season and were derailed by injury, the disappearance of the entire coaching staff under suspicious circumstances, and a lard shortage. “The people called for change and I have graciously given it to them, along with a free over-sized can of pig fat. What more could you ask for?” said owner Mike “Il Duce” Haire.

The Fluffiest Bunnies opened the defense of their 2015 title with a loss against the Ivernia Avengers. Heading into the final frame the Bunnies held a slight lead, but  the Avengers rallied to nip the league’s cutest team 107-104. “You can’t ambush me with that kinda cute! We knew the Bunnies would be tough, but we were tougher.” said Avengers offensive coordinator Jedediah Fitzsimmons.

In the late game the Golden Eagles handed the Jameistown Colony an opening loss. The Eagles rode Cam Newton’s arm to the win while the Colony struggled to break the half-century mark in the 80-51 loss. “Maybe Mark should stick to making meatballs and sauce.” a joyous Tom “Detroit Rock City” Criss exclaimed as he drove past the Ox on his vintage violet Vespa.


Beavers 91
Chihuahuas 83

Numbers 83
Dolphins 66

Marauders 95
Nimrods 92

Miners 117
Sweepers 102


Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 1 0 0 1.000
Coles Miners 1 0 0 1.000
Ivernia Avengers 1 0 0 1.000
Mootown Marauders 1 0 0 1.000
Canadian Beavers 1 0 0 1.000
Auburn Numbers 1 0 0 1.000
Golden Eagles 1 0 0 1.000
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers 0 1 0 .000 1
Fluffies Bunnies 0 1 0 .000 1
Salem Sweepers 0 1 0 .000 1
Miccosukee Nimrods 0 1 0 .000 1
West Washington Chihuahuas 0 1 0 .000 1
Southwood Dolphins 0 1 0 .000 1
Jameistown Colony 0 1 0 .000 1


Ivernia Avengers Join the NFFL

ivernia-avengers (Monticello, FL) – The NFFL Office are proud to announce the addition of the Ivernia Avengers to the NFFL in time for the 2016 season.   The Avengers become the league’s 14th team and are owned and operated by Tampa native Eric Luallen. “Joining the NFFL is just the beginning. You know how they say we only use 10 percent of our brains? I think we only use 10 percent of our hearts, and I aim to change that.” said Luallen as he addressed the media.

The addition of the Avengers have caused consternation in the league office as it scrambled to cobble together a regular season schedule. “Our divisional format went out the window when the commish added Ivernia, so we are going to a single table, just like those fancy European football leagues.” said NFFL Competition Committee Chairman Mark “Weasel” Bonfanti. The Playoffs and the Chase for the NFFL Cup will still be a four team affair. “Win and you’re in.” said Bonfanti.

Ivernia will look to make its mark on the league during the upcoming draft. GM candidates are being interviewed and tickets are now on sale at

Salem Sweepers Join the NFFL


salem-sweepers-2 (Monticello, FL) – Almost five years to the day after the Peabody Tanners withdraw from the NFFL Office Len Bonfanti is back. “A lot has changed in five years. The NFFL is a family business with both of my sons and daughter-in-laws also running franchises, and I wanted in on the action.” said the senior Bonfanti from his New Hampshire estate.

Reflecting a commitment to blue collar values Bonfanti has named his new team the Salem Sweepers. “Making sure your kitchen is clean is important. I sweep mine every night! Plus, we plan to sweep the competition off the field each and every Sunday.” said an enthusiastic Len Bonfanti.

The franchise will be located in Salem, NH a suburb of Boston, MA. “Location is key, as with anything else. I-93 provides easy access to Mr. Clean Field brought to you by Mop & Glo, for both fans from north and south of Salem.” said Sweepers Director of Business Development Deb Bonfanti.

The Sweepers are assembling their front office and are looking forward to the upcoming draft. Further inquires about the team, stadium, and sponsorship opportunities should be directed to