Auburn Carrier Pigeon (Auburn, AL) – Before a packed house at Duck Stamford Stadium the Auburn Numbers continued their early season success as they rolled to a 125-80 victory over perennial NFFL disappointments, the Miccosukee Nimrods. “After last season’s terrible start to the season it’s nice to be 2-1 and close to a playoff spot. Since the league ditched its weekly power rankings I have more time to devote to pounding my opponents,” said Auburn owner Andrew “Slide Rule” Woodward. A defiant and visibly intoxicated Joey “Pierogi” Zollner refused to admit defeat and had to be forcibly removed from the visiting team owner’s luxury box. “Losing is fine! It’s fine! Everything is fine! I’m fine! My team sucks balls, but whatever!” he mumbled as he was poured into the team bus.
The Little Lebowski Urban Achievers notched their first win of the 2016 campaign with a 103-71 win against the Golden Eagles. The Achievers cruised to victory on the sculpted muscular back of Aaron Rodgers. “Beating the Eagles is sweet. Beating the Eagles watching Rodgers drop 34 on them is extra special. Plus he has a a great ass,” said Achievers’s CEO Luke “House Money” Grabowski. For the Eagles the loss puts to bed any dreams of a perfect season. “The NFFL is a grind, and it’s hard to win let alone run the table. We’ll take it a week at a time, and while we’re not pleased with today’s result, we are already preparing for next week,” said Golden coach Jimbo Fisher.
In a battle of 0-2 teams the Salem Sweepers stood tallest as they toweled off the Dolphins 69-61. The loss drops Southwood, one of the most successful NFFL franchises to a dismal 0-3. “Losing is not part of what makes Southwood great. Delicious burritos, easy access to the Lumber Liquidators showroom, and ample parking make Southwood great. I vow to not rest until we win a game!” said Fins’ owner Seth “Lemon Man” Rubin. Sweepers’ owner Len “Windex” Bonfanti could not be reached for comment as he was enjoying a delicious seafood platter at the Weathervane.
PBR NFFL SCOREBOARD
Tort feasts 89
DOLLAR GENERAL NFFL STANDINGS
|Slippery Rock Tortfeasors||3||0||0||1.000||—|
|Little Lebowski Urban Achievers||1||2||0||.333||2|
|West Washington Chihuahuas||1||2||0||.000||2|