Tortfeasors Rock Achievers in Opener

TortfeasorsLogo

Tallahassee Democrat (Tallahassee, FL) – Following a historically sub-par 2015 season the Slippery Rock Tortfeasor made a statement to open the 2016 season as they defeated the upstart Little Lebowski Urban Achievers 127-107. The Tortfeasors were 5-9 last season and were derailed by injury, the disappearance of the entire coaching staff under suspicious circumstances, and a lard shortage. “The people called for change and I have graciously given it to them, along with a free over-sized can of pig fat. What more could you ask for?” said owner Mike “Il Duce” Haire.

The Fluffiest Bunnies opened the defense of their 2015 title with a loss against the Ivernia Avengers. Heading into the final frame the Bunnies held a slight lead, but  the Avengers rallied to nip the league’s cutest team 107-104. “You can’t ambush me with that kinda cute! We knew the Bunnies would be tough, but we were tougher.” said Avengers offensive coordinator Jedediah Fitzsimmons.

In the late game the Golden Eagles handed the Jameistown Colony an opening loss. The Eagles rode Cam Newton’s arm to the win while the Colony struggled to break the half-century mark in the 80-51 loss. “Maybe Mark should stick to making meatballs and sauce.” a joyous Tom “Detroit Rock City” Criss exclaimed as he drove past the Ox on his vintage violet Vespa.

PBR NFFL SCOREBOARD

Beavers 91
Chihuahuas 83

Numbers 83
Dolphins 66

Marauders 95
Nimrods 92

Miners 117
Sweepers 102

DOLLAR GENERAL NFFL STANDINGS

TEAM W L T PCT GB
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 1 0 0 1.000
Coles Miners 1 0 0 1.000
Ivernia Avengers 1 0 0 1.000
Mootown Marauders 1 0 0 1.000
Canadian Beavers 1 0 0 1.000
Auburn Numbers 1 0 0 1.000
Golden Eagles 1 0 0 1.000
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers 0 1 0 .000 1
Fluffies Bunnies 0 1 0 .000 1
Salem Sweepers 0 1 0 .000 1
Miccosukee Nimrods 0 1 0 .000 1
West Washington Chihuahuas 0 1 0 .000 1
Southwood Dolphins 0 1 0 .000 1
Jameistown Colony 0 1 0 .000 1

 

Ivernia Avengers Join the NFFL

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NFFL.com (Monticello, FL) – The NFFL Office are proud to announce the addition of the Ivernia Avengers to the NFFL in time for the 2016 season.   The Avengers become the league’s 14th team and are owned and operated by Tampa native Eric Luallen. “Joining the NFFL is just the beginning. You know how they say we only use 10 percent of our brains? I think we only use 10 percent of our hearts, and I aim to change that.” said Luallen as he addressed the media.

The addition of the Avengers have caused consternation in the league office as it scrambled to cobble together a regular season schedule. “Our divisional format went out the window when the commish added Ivernia, so we are going to a single table, just like those fancy European football leagues.” said NFFL Competition Committee Chairman Mark “Weasel” Bonfanti. The Playoffs and the Chase for the NFFL Cup will still be a four team affair. “Win and you’re in.” said Bonfanti.

Ivernia will look to make its mark on the league during the upcoming draft. GM candidates are being interviewed and tickets are now on sale at iverniaavengersfootball.com.

Salem Sweepers Join the NFFL

 

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NFFL.com (Monticello, FL) – Almost five years to the day after the Peabody Tanners withdraw from the NFFL Office Len Bonfanti is back. “A lot has changed in five years. The NFFL is a family business with both of my sons and daughter-in-laws also running franchises, and I wanted in on the action.” said the senior Bonfanti from his New Hampshire estate.

Reflecting a commitment to blue collar values Bonfanti has named his new team the Salem Sweepers. “Making sure your kitchen is clean is important. I sweep mine every night! Plus, we plan to sweep the competition off the field each and every Sunday.” said an enthusiastic Len Bonfanti.

The franchise will be located in Salem, NH a suburb of Boston, MA. “Location is key, as with anything else. I-93 provides easy access to Mr. Clean Field brought to you by Mop & Glo, for both fans from north and south of Salem.” said Sweepers Director of Business Development Deb Bonfanti.

The Sweepers are assembling their front office and are looking forward to the upcoming draft. Further inquires about the team, stadium, and sponsorship opportunities should be directed to broomymcbroom@sweepers.com.

Bunnies Win NFFL Cup X

Fluffiest Bunnies

Pixie Unicorn Times (Fluffiest, FL) – The Fluffiest Bunnies decimated the N. Fla. Seersuckers en route to their first NFFL Championship by a score of 150-97.  The 150 points scored by the Bunnies are the most in NFFL Cup history, easily eclipsing the 124 points scored by the 2007 Slippery Rock Tortfeasors.  Breaking her year long media silence Bunnies owner Joanna “Glinda” Bonfanti took the confetti strewn riser on the 50 yard line of N. Fla. Field.  “Today, I consider myself the luckiest woman alive! Who saw Blake Bortles, Tim Hightower, Julio Jones, and Allen Robinson all having amazing days? I did. Bless your hearts, you gave it your all but we are the cream of the NFFL crop! Wooooo!”

The mood in the Seersuckers’ locker room following the loss was somber. Following a historic 13-1 season hopes of claiming the franchises’ second NFFL title were high. “Today we ran into a buzz saw known as the Fluffiest Bunnies. When your opponent drops 150 points , all you can do lose, which is exactly what we did,” said Michael “Pork Rocks” Bonfanti.

The NFFL Cup will be retrieved in the coming week and taken to Tim “Magic Man” Yoho for engraving before being delivered to the Fluffiest Bunnies’ adorable team office.

Bunnies Face ‘Seers in Final

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Tallahassee Democrat (Tallahassee, FL) – The first round of the NFFL Playoffs saw both higher seeded teams defeat their lower seeded opponents, and set up a showdown between the top two teams.   In the first match-up the 13-1 N. Fla. Seersuckers rolled over the over matched Mootown Marauders by a score of 103-78.  “Two wins in two weeks over the Marauders is something to crow about. Unless of course you happen to live in the same household as Mootown’s owner. Then you stay quiet and keep your head down,” said ‘Seers P.R. Director Louis C.K.  The loss ends the Marauders’ season two wins short of their ultimate goal. “We wanted to win the NFFL Cup for a third time, but it wasn’t in the Manolos,” sighed a dejected Aaron Rodgers.

The second game saw the most dangerous team in the NFFL, the Fluffiest Bunnies, dismantle the Southwood Dolphins 116-84. The loss to the displeasure of ‘Fins fans upped the streak of seasons without a title to 7, and forced owner Seth “Lemon Law” Rubin to leave the stadium under armed escort.  Meanwhile, Bunnies GM Glinda the Good Witch basked in the latest win. “Good teams win, and bad teams lose. Right now, we are really good,” exclaimed Ms. Good Witch as she turned her attention to the downfall of the N. Fla. Seersuckers in NFFL Cup X.

ZIPIT BEDDING NFFL PLAYOFF SCHEDULE

#2 Fluffiest Bunnies vs. #1 North Florida Seersuckers