2015 NFFL Draft Selection Show

The Ox (Somewhere in Tallahassee, FL) – The 2015 NFFL Draft Order – Presented by Publix, was selected during an exclusive invite only dinner at the Ox. The newly installed Vice President of Draft Procedures, Kirsten “Gazprom” Matthis and Mark “Smoked Meat” Bonfanti conducted the blind draw in the main kitchen of The Ox, Tallahassee’s most secret and exclusive speak easy. “When you think of the NFFL you immediately think or two things, transparency and shady business deals. Today we are focused on transparency and avoiding a police raid,” said Bonfanti as the team name slips were glacially folded and dropped into the official Pulix Pick Bag™. 

The order for the 2015 NFFL Draft is as follows:

1. Southwood Dolphins
2. Mootown Marauders
3. Slippery Rock Tortfeasors
4. Team Miriam
5. Miccosukee Nimrods
6. Golden Eagles
7. Jameistown Colony
8. North Florida Seersuckers
9. Fluffiest Bunnies
10. Auburn Numbers
11. Team Grabowski
12. Canadian Beavers

For the second year in a row Seth “Don’t Run with Scissors” Rubin snagged the first pick.  Curiously, the second overall pick went to Matthis’ own Mootown Marauders.  “I’m not saying that she put her slip of paper in the freezer before dropping it in the bag, I’m just saying she seemed real concerned about making sure her Coke Zero was ice cold, if you know what I mean,” remarked Colony GM Lenny “Aires K” Bonfanti.  The NFFL League Office has vowed to look into any discrepancies at a later date.

Miriam “ERA” Coles, owner of the cleverly named Team Miriam addressed the media following the release of the draft order.  “The NFFL Draft Order reaffirmed the dominance of the oppressive patriarchal society.  Once again women are placed at the back of the line and forced to fight for equality. We will not be kept down by the Penis Mafia!” When a pool reporter noted women had two of the top four picks Coles left the podium and remarked she had to “cook something tasty for dinner” before her baby daddy got home.

2015 NFFL Draft

The Ox

NFFL.com (Monticello, FL) – The NFFL is proud to announce announce the 2015 draft will be held on Saturday, August 8 at 12:00 p.m.  The 10th annual draft will be held at The Ox, an underground speak easy owned and operated  by Mark “Cadillac Frank” Bonfanti.   “Some say associating the NFFL with the southern branch of a New England crime family opens us up to a possible federal investigation and RICO charges. I say those people obviously hate Sicilians and diversity,” said Commission Mike “Red Sauce” Bonfanti.

A 15 round “snake style” draft will once again be utilized to fill each of the 12 teams’ rosters. The draft order will be randomly selected and posted on NFFL.com later this week. “We are finalizing production of the NFFL Draft Order Show. It will be a high quality piece of programming with just a hint of maple syrup and fresh caught salmon,” noted NFFL Films Director Sara “North of the Border” Hart.

Any league owners who is unable to attend the draft must be pre-rank their selections.  If an owner fails to pre-rank, and does not attend the draft they will be subject to the Haire Protocol which mandates a team will be filled with non-active players.  “We instituted this new rule following the situation with the Slippery Rock Tortfeasors in 2014.  Their owner skipped the draft, and the League picked them a sweet ass team that eventually won the NFFL Cup. This year absentee owners will find Ickey Woods, Tony Eason and Phil McKonkey on their rosters,” said the Chairman of the NFFL Competition Committee, Andrew “Iron Abacus” Woodward.

2015 NFFL Draft
Date: Saturday, August 8, 2015
Time: 12:00 p.m.
Place: The Ox
7339 Ox Bow Circle
Tallahassee, Florida

2015 NFFL Divisional Alignment Annouced

Out of a hat

NFFL League Offices (Monticello, FL) – The 2015 divisional alignments were unveiled during an exclusive invite-only dinner party at the palatial Lieto Fine Farm.  The addition of five new owners ignited fears of unbalanced schedules as a result of shenanigans by the league office.  “Frankly I am shocked, shocked that the NFFL owners would infer I would set divisions with anything other than the highest integrity for the sport,” responded Commissioner Bonfanti as he made it rain at the Golden Nugget.

The divisional alignment was determined by placing 12 cards of equal color, socioeconomic status, and opportunity in the prestigious NFFL Cup, and drawing names out one at a time to fill the divisions.  New owner Mark “Weasel” Bonfanti came away impressed. “The process was actually transparent and considering the amount of wine I consumed, reasonably memorable.”

Upon reviewing the new divisions, Kirsten “Manolo” Matthis clicked her Jimmy Choo’s with glee. “I thought I would have a hard time winning it all in 2015, but after seeing who had the misfortune to land in my division, I am already making space for the Cup, next to my shoes.”

2014 NFFL Divisions

Lombardi Division
– Fluffiest Bunnies
– Mootown Marauders
– Slippery Rock Tortfeasors
– Team Coles

Tagliabue Division
– Auburn Numbers
– Golden Eagles
– North Florida Seersuckers
– Team Hart

Gunsel Division
– Miccosukee Nimrods
– Southwood Dolphins
– Team Bonfanti
– Team Grabowski

2014 NFFL Draft Selection Show

NFFL Legal Offices (Tallahassee, FL) – The order for the 2014 NFFL Draft was selected this afternoon. Vice President of Draft Procedures, Kirk “Gobbler” Reams and Tyler “Rizzo is so Hot” McNeill conducted the blind draw in the Jefferson County Ivory Tower. “The NFFL is about integrity, class, avoiding sex-trade charges and winning. This draft order is 100% on the up and up. Otherwise, I would have a much higher pick,” said Reams following the conclusion of the drawing.

The order for the 2014 NFFL Draft is as follows:

1. Southwood Dolphins
2. North Florida Seersuckers
3. Des Moines Dopplebocks
4. Miccosukee Nimrods
5. Slippery Rock Tortfeasors
6. Monticello Cornish Hens
7. Golden Eagles
8. New Canaan Chrebets
9. Mootown Marauders
10. Hilliard Flashes
11. Lamont All-Stars
12. Auburn Numbers

When informed his franchise had been awarded the first pick Seth “Baby Got Back” Rubin beamed from ear to ear.  “This is a position everyone wants to be in. I’m pleased and this is the best moment of my life, even better than what happened that one day in the Burger King bathroom.”

Joe “Pierogi” Zollner, owner of the much maligned Miccosukee Nimrods was furious following the draft results. “How many years will the Commissioner earn the second pick? This is an outrage! I demand equality for all Poles!” he bellowed as he shotgunned his 9th beer of the morning.  A spokesman for the league responded to Mr. Zollner and noted the Seersuckers had the last pick in the 2013 draft.

2014 NFFL Draft

horse-farm

NFFL.com (Monticello, FL) – In a press release read aloud by Kirk “Vote for Me” Reams on the steps of the historic Jefferson County Courthouse the NFFL announced the 2014 draft will be held on Saturday, August 16 at 12:00 p.m. The 9th annual draft will be at the country horse estate of Kirsten Matthis.  “I bought this quaint plantation with Russian oil money, and it’s about time I showed it off. Like my mama said, shake that moneymaker baby girl!” Matthis exclaimed as she threw twenty dollar bills into the air.

The NFFL also released the draft format and again will utilize a 15 round “snake style” draft to fill each of the 10 teams’ rosters. The draft order will be randomly selected and posted on NFFL.com no later than August 13, 2013. “You’re in for something special this year. It’s real classy,” said NFFL.com IT Director William “Thin Crust” Kristoph.  Trading of draft picks will not be allowed, although once the draft concludes teams are free to move players.

Any league owner who is unable to attend the draft is urged to contact the Commissioner as soon as possible. The league office would also like to point out owners who will be unable to attend the live draft are urged to pre-rank their players. If rankings are not received by the beginning of the draft ESPN’s Top 300 Players will be utilized to fill any absentee owner’s roster. “Not attending the draft is pretty damn pathetic.  You best be there unless you’re a nursing mother, physically incapacitated, or smell like carp,” said Cornish Hen’s owner Tyler “Coverage Sack” McNeill.

2014 NFFL Draft
Date: Saturday, August 16, 2013
Time: 12:00 p.m.
Place: Matthis/Gonzalez Horse Plantation
4331 W. Washington Street
Monticello, Florida