Monticello, FL (Monticello News) – The Golden Eagles defeated their division rival, the Tallahassee Terrors 124-103. The Eagles win coupled with the Lamont All Stars’ loss to the Southwood Dolphins nabbed the top seed in the NFFL Playoffs for the Eagles. “Before the season started we set a couple goals for ourselves. We wanted to win the Lombardi Division and earn the #1 seed in the playoffs. We wanted to avoid any major arrests and/or sex scandals. For the most part we’ve done those things and our next goal is to lift the NFFL Cup!” said a jubilant Natty Light soaked Eagles’ owner Tom “Writ of Mandamus” Criss. With the loss the Terrors fell to 8-5 and earned the #4 seed in the playoffs. The Terrors’ owner, Brian “Shadowtacker” Hunter, refused to address the press following a disappointing end to the regular season.
The Lamont All Stars also faltered at the finish line and fell to the Southwood Dolphins 112-110. Despite the loss the All Stars were able to finish the season at 9-3, capture the Tagliabue Division crown and the #2 seed. “Our guys played their hearts out but they came up a little short. I’ll use the bye week to catch some rays on a beach with my shorty. Our starters will use it to get their head’s on straight. We’re still better than most teams and I expect to win the cup.” said Lamont owner Kirk “Vote for me” Reams. Following the bye week the All Stars will face either the Seersuckers or the Hens.
The North Florida Seersuckers earned the #3 seed in the playoffs with a 96-65 win over the Slippery Rock Tortfeasors. The game was marred by an on field incident when a naked Tortfeasor’s owner Mike “Il Duce” Haire charged the Seers’ sideline in a Diet Coke fueled rage. “Losing has driven me to the edge of my sanity. There will be no Tortfeasors in 2011. Oh happy dagger, this is our swan song!” Haire exclaimed as he was pinned to the ground following the incident. The Seersuckers’ owner Mike “Big Wheel” Bonfanti addressed the press following the win and down played playoff expectations. “We are a fraudulent 8-4-1. Four of our wins came against teams managed by an absentee Russian gas producer and a delusional self proclaimed dictator. If I were a betting man I’d take the Hens and the points.”
Finally, the Kyrgyzstan Gazprom Marauders fell to the Peabody Tanners Tortfeasors 52-31. The win was the Tanner’s seventh on the season but they find themselves on the outside of the playoffs looking in. “We lost to the Hens twice during the regular season and that sealed our fate. I’m unhappy and that means there will be some very unhappy Tanners personnel in a few minutes” said Len “The Axe” Bonfanti. Concerning the Marauders their management refused to speak to NFFL Live and released a statement in Cyrillic. Following a labor intensive translation it was discovered the Kyrgyzstan Gazprom believe the NFFL is a collection of “capitalist pigs” and that unless “bad tasteless Russian food is available for all workers” they will not return in 2011.
NFFL BUD LIGHT REGULAR SEASON FINAL STANDINGS
#Golden Eagles 10-3
* N. Florida Seersuckers 8-4-1
* Tallahassee Terrors 8-5
xKyrgyzstan Gazprom Marauders 2-11
xSlippery Rock Tortfeasors 1-12
#Lamont All Stars 9-4
*Southwood Dolphins 8-5
*Monticello Cornish Hens 7-6
xPeabody Tanners 7-6
xMiccosukee Nimrods 3-8-1
# Clinched Division * Qualified for Playoffs x Eliminated
Note that in the event of a tie the first tiebreaker is head to head record. If the teams split during the regular season the next tiebreaker is total points scored during the regular season.
NFFL RED BULL SCOREBOARD
Monticello Cornish Hens 97
Miccosukee Nimrods 103