NFFL.com (Monticello, FL) – Following his team’s crushing loss at the hands of the dapper attired Monticello Cornish Hens, Golden Eagles’ owner Tom Criss opened up to NFFL.com in an exclusive interview. What follows is a mildly edited transcript of this recent conversation.
NFFL.com: Mr. Criss, I want to thank you for taking some time out of your busy schedule. I know that building your wealth on the backs of the poor is an endeavor that requires constant attention.
Tom Criss: Not a problem. I’ve left a crack team of indentured foreign exchange students from Burma to watch over my business while I spend a few moments with you.
NFFL: Thank you Tom.
TC: Mr. Criss.
NFFL: Mr. Criss. Now that we’ve dispensed with pleasantries, let’s get down to the questions our tens of readers want answered. What happened in the NFFL Cup? After scoring over 100 points for most of the year your Eagles could not break 80.
TC: I thought I answered these questions but perhaps not. In the finals we reverted to what we have been all year, a mediocre team. As I said earlier I have been doing it all with smoke and mirrors. We had one guy blow up each week and that would carry our team. We had no one blow up in the finals. We did not have a star-studded roster like Lamont or the Hens, just some inconsistent stars that would pull out a big game now and then.
NFFL: The Eagles since winning the inaugural NFFL Cup in 2006 have made three additional appearances in the finals. You lost NFFL Cup II in 2007, NFFL Cup III in 2008 and NFFL Cup V this year. There is some chatter around the league comparing your performance in the NFFL Cup to the Buffalo Bills inability to win the Super Bowl in the 1990s. Do you think a comparison to the Bills is warranted?
TC: The Bills in the 1990s? You weren’t even born then you young whipper snapper. I recall a Bills team that would dominate with Kelly at quarterback and an infamous running back named OJ. Actually, they were a lot like my team: a one-pony show. No, we are more like the Detroit Lions than the Bills. Our team had one highly paid player with the balance of the roster a bunch of no-name losers.
NFFL: In light of your team’s recent performance, where do the Golden Eagles go from here? As an organization, are you planning any changes?
TC: Where we go from here is to re-group and waive our highly paid player Drew “isn’t that a nice” Brees, as well as the rest of our roster, and start from scratch. We will be working harder on pre-draft preparation. I am convinced that just like recruiting in college can get you that one game-changing player, we are one player away from turning this around. Although now that I think about it, that is the same approach that has not worked for us this season. Regardless, as to organizational changes, I have fired the entire front office.
NFFL: You fired the entire front office? Does that include your wife Donna? Or will she remain the Eagles Director of Player Personnel?
TC: As to the fate of Donna, I had to tell her you’re fired. She responded by claiming I was holding her back anyway, and she informed me she is applying for the Mootown Marauders head-coaching job after failing to land the UF and UM head coaching gigs. By the way, I got an EEOC claim notice and a notice of intent to file a sexual discrimination lawsuit from her so you can put this in stone; I’m hiring no more females!
NFFL: One last question before you go Mr. Criss. Is there anything else you would like to tell Golden Eagles fans around this great country of ours?
TC: As team owner and GM, I want to reassure our fan base that we will be back in the NFFL Cup and win it next year! To that end I am proud to announce the first of several new front office hires. Donna’s replacement is Cookie my cat. She is one of the toughest, no-nonsense felines known who will kick some tail in her new position, and claw and scratch her way to find next year’s AP, or Arian Foster. Finally, we are employing a different draft strategy next year, which I obviously will not reveal in this blog. How ‘bout them Cowboys!