NFFL.com (Monticello, FL) – Since joining the North Florida Football League in 2007 the Mootown Marauders have missed the playoffs each of the past 4 seasons and compiled a league worst record of 10-42. We sat down with Kirsten Matthis, owner of the NFFL’s most beleaguered team, to discuss her train wreck of a franchise.
NFFL.com: Thank you for taking time off from your busy schedule of crushing hard working American’s dream.
Kirsten Matthis: It’s not a problem. I had a little time to kill before boarding my plane to Milan to go shoe shopping. I figured this would be better than playing Words with Friends.
NFFL: Since arriving in the NFFL your team has been the poster child for how not to manage a team. Why are you so bad at this?
KM: I’m sorry. What did you say? I was texting.
NFFL: I asked why your teams are utter crap.
KM: It’s probably because I don’t care about them. I use the franchise as a shell corporation to funnel assets into without paying federal taxes. As long as there is an office with a computer and a working phone line the IRS leaves me alone.
NFFL: Interesting. So what is your favorite memory, if there is one, from your time as the Marauders’ owner?
KM: When we lost the last game in 2007 to finish 0-13 I was wearing my fav pair of Louboutins when a vagrant spilled his beer on me and ruined them. I had him taken to the Uzbekistan and turned into leather. Jimmy Choo made me the cutest pair of pumps with the material.
NFFL: That’s pure evil. You made a fan…
KM: Excuse me, he was homeless.
NFFL: Into a pair of shoes?
KM: Can we stick to business? Let’s talk about my ground breaking partnership with Russian natural gas producer, Gazprom.
NFFL: Last year you briefly renamed your franchise the Gazprom Marauders. Why did you do that?
KM: Money. They threw literally a Bentley load of money at me. I decided to sell out and let them slap their name on my losers, er, hard working players. Can we wrap this up? I have to catch a plane.
NFFL: Yes, one last question. Do you actually have any plans to try to win games this year?
KM: I’m really not sure. I like winning, but I like shoes and tuna tartar more. We’ll see how things pan out. Gotta run! Ciao!