Tortfeasors Pillage Marauders

WTXL ABC-27  (Tallahassee, FL) – The Slippery Rock Tortfeasors improved their record to 2-1 with a 122-101 victory over the suddenly competitive Mootown Marauders.  The win pushes the Tortfeasors into a tie for first place in the moderately competitive Lombardi Division. The Marauders are one game back and will look to rebound against Cornish Hens. “Its nice to be competitive on the field and we’re selling more tickets. This has resulted in an unexpected benefit to me, more designer shoes,” said Marauders’ owner Kirsten “Gucci” Matthis as her GM Geoff Gonzalez polished her new super-cute Stuart Weitzman boots.

The Hilliard Flashes got into the win column with a 79-59 victory over the Miccosukee Nimrods. “Winning this game means more to me than being crowned Miss Hilliard High School 1993!” said a joyous Becky Bonfanti as her team boarded the bus back to Nassau County.  Nimrods’ owner Joe “Pierogi” Zollner was visibly intoxicated following the loss.  He brushed his head coach from the podium, and went on a 15 minute diatribe against the Federal Reserve,  ink pens and mullet (the fish not the haircut).  While much of his profanity-laced soliloquy is unsuitable to print, highlights of the speech included unsubstantiated allegation the “Fed is out to get him,” and that he is “tired of using pens made in China since American ink won’t run.”  Zollner concluded by stating he was “tired of fucking mullet being disrespected for tasting like fish, because that is what it fucking is, fish.” Zollner then dropped the mic, declared “mullet rocks,” and removed his shirt as he left the press room.

In a game reminiscent of “The Choke at Doak” the Lamont All Stars rallied to tie the Golden Eagles 99-99.  The mood on the All Stars sideline was jubilant as heading into the final minutes of the game defeat was all but assured. “Dadgummit! On the last play of the last game our defense caused a a fumble to prevent an attempt at a game winning field goal.  What else can I say except vote Reams for Clerk of Court in 2012,” said Lamont’s head coach Bobby Bowden. Meanwhile, the Golden Eagles left the field in silence and refused to grant the media access to their locker room.  Eagles’ owner Tom “Wuerrfel” Criss issued a statement indicating the tie disappointed his team, but the Eagles were committed to getting a win next week against the hapless Terrors.

Energy Blaster 3000 NFFL Scoreboard

Cornish Hens 89
Dolphins 102

Terrors 71
Seersuckers 111


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