AP (Tallahassee, FL) – The Golden Eagles won their first game of the season by toppling the Tallahassee Terrors 109-69. The Eagles now stand at 1-2-1 on the young season. Owner Tom Criss celebrated the victory by riding a horse bareback through the stadium parking lot while eating cake. “It’s sugar and glucose free, but taste as sweet as this victory,” he said while adoring fans shouted his name.
The loss drops the Tallahassee Terrors to a disappointing 1-3. Coach Bear Bryant was flabbergasted following the teams implosion on the field. “Any time your QB throws 7 interceptions and your opponent get 4 safeties is a bad day. I think it’s time to go Junction Boys on these players asses,” he said as he adjusted his houndstooth cap.
In another marquee match-up the Monticello Cornish Hens took the hard luck Mootown Marauders behind the proverbial shed in a 158-122 win. Led by Aaron Rodgers the Hens took an early lead and never looked back. “Mae executed her game plan from the start. She really wanted to go after the Marauders’ secondary and it worked,” said Hens’ owner Tyler “Bear Grillis” McNeill.
For the Marauders the loss dropped them to 1-3 tied for last place in the Lombardi Division. “The loss hurt like a hard to get splinter,” said Marauders’ wide receiver Wes Welker. The Marauders season that held so much promise now looks grim with a tough test in Week 5 against the Seersuckers. “We win that game and I’m going to drink nothing but skinny lattes for a week!” declared Mootown Owner Kirsten Matthis.
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All Stars 79