Jefferson County Journal (Monticello, FL) -The Cinderella season for the beleaguered Mootown Marauders continued as they defeated the Hilliard Flashes 118-91 to finish with a 9-4 record. The Marauders’ performance was good enough to capture the Lombardi Division crown and the #1 seed in the playoffs. “From selling a controlling interest to Gazprom to making shoes out of the skin of a homeless man, last year was a hot mess. I really can’t describe how I feel right now except to say, suck it Tom!” said a champagne soaked Kirsten “the Sniper” Matthis. The Marauders’ GM, Geoff Gonzalez could not be reached for comment as he was at a local club making it rain.
The Slippery Rock Tortfeasors had their playoff lives on the line as they faced the North Florida Seersuckers. The ‘Seers proved to be too much as the the Tortfeasors threw up all over themselves in a 99-72 loss. The win secured the #3 seed for the ‘Seers and eliminated the Tortfeasors. “We win, people are happy. The streets are filled with confetti, music and love. We lose, people are angry. Looters take to the streets, people disappear and children cry. I am sad our team chose the latter course,” said Tortfeasors’ owner Mike “Il Duce” Haire from outside his mountaintop villa. The mood in the Seersuckers’ locker room was a subdued jubilance. “We were in the same position last year and got knocked out in the first round by the Hens. We’ll celebrate when we lift the Cup,” said ‘Seer quarterback Tom Brady Bundchen.
Tom Criss’ Golden Eagles stormed into the playoffs with a 146-90 whipping of the Tallahassee Terrors. The wins wraps up the #4 seed for the Eagles and caps a season marked by both high and low points. “We started the season off slow but finished strong. Donna did a great job coaching the team and I think I’ll take her out to the Sizzler,” said Tom “Cupmeister-Meistercup” Criss. For the Terrors the off season will be a long one as they finished with their second worst record. “Changes need to be made. I’ll consult with Doctor Facilie and we’ll go from there,” said Terrors’ owner Brian “Voodoo” Hunter.
In Tagliabue Division action the Southwood Dolphins with a 118-101 victory over the Lamont All Stars sewed the division championship, #2 seed, and a first round playoff bye . The All Stars were eliminated from the playoffs and owner Kirk “Ballot Box” Reams addressed their fans at Rancho Grande following the loss. “No one is happy about how our season unfolded, but I can tell you that all the Queso dip and $2 bottom shelf margaritas you can drink are on me. Vote Reams!”
The final game of the weekend saw the defending NFFL Champion Monticello Cornish Hens wax the sagging Miccosukee Nimrods 98-64. The win edged the Hens into the #5 seed and dropped the ‘Rods into the 6th spot. “We had a great start to the season and then Vick got hurt and my team started sucking. I am glad we’re in the playoffs but it’s going to take a Christmas miracle for us to go anywhere. Fuck it!” said a distraught and visibly intoxicated ‘Rods owner Joe “Pierogi” Zollner.
Energy Blaster 3000 NFFL PLAYOFF SCHEDULE
#6 Miccosukee Nimrods vs. #3 North Florida Seersuckers
#5 Monticello Cornish Hens vs. #4 Golden Eagles
#1 Mootown Marauders and #2 Southwood Dolphins – First round byes
Subway Fresh Take NFFL Standings
|# Mootown Marauders||9||4||0||.692||—|
|* North Florida Seersuckers||8||5||0||.615||1|
|* Golden Eagles||7||5||1||.577||1.5|
|x Slippery Rock Tortfeasors||6||7||0||.462||3|
|x Tallahassee Nitro Terrors||2||10||1||.192||6.5|
|# Southwood Dolphins||9||4||0||.692||—|
|* Monticello Cornish Hens||7||5||1||.577||1.5|
|* Miccosukee Nimrods||7||6||0||.538||2|
|x Lamont All Stars||5||7||1||.423||3.5|
|x Hilliard Flashes||3||10||0||.231||6|
# – Division Champion and first round bye
* – Qualified for the 2011 NFFL Playoffs
x – Eliminated from the 2011 NFFL Playoffs