Mootown Journal-Sentinel (Mootown, FL) – The Mootown Marauders punched their ticket to NFFL Cup VI with a 87-66 victory over the Golden Eagles. Following weeks of high flying performances the Eagles had no answer for a determined Marauders squad led by shoe addict Kirsten “High Couture” Matthis. “I did not want to just defeat the Eagles, I wanted to emasculate them. I accomplished my goal and look forward to reminding Mr. Criss on a daily basis who ended his season” said Matthis as she sipped champagne from a Christian Louboutin fetooned in golden eagle feathers.
For the Eagles the defeat marks another exit from the playoffs without capturing the NFFL Cup. “It’s been five long years and obviously as an organization we’re disappointed. However the season was not a total loss as we continued to gentrify the area around Golden Eagle Field and made a tidy profit forcing approximately 1,500 homeless men, women and children into white slavery in Southeast Asia.” said Eagles’ owner Tom “Soul Coffin” Criss. Criss closed his press conference by noting unlike the Marauders owner he had “class” and would heartily congratulate her during the NFFL’s Winter Meetings.
In the other semi-final the Southwood Dolphins defeated the Miccosukee Nimrods 112-82. The win was the first ever playoff victory for the Dolphins and ensure the first time since expansion the two top seeded teams will meet for the NFFL Cup. “I’d like to thank the great team of Rubins I have assembled to run my franchise. Mikey is a great offensive coordinator. Troy is scheming like a mini-Saban as our defensive coordinator. Zoe is a crazy good GM. Now it’s time to win the Cup!” said an estatic Seth “Honey Badger” Rubin before a champagne soaked Dolpins’ locker room.
As could be expected the Miccosukee Nimrods were not pleased by the final outcome. “Dammit, losing sucks! We should have won. It’s a conspiracy by the NFFL to keep us from the finals. It’s because I am Polish and refused to sign a blood oath with the New World Order. Well the NFFL can suck my balls. Did you get that? Balls. B-a-l-l-s.” said a disgruntled ‘Rods’ owner Joey “Pierogi” Zollner. The NFFL Office denied owners were required to sign a blood oath and indicated any relationship with the New World Order was informal at best.
Energy Blaster 3000 NFFL PLAYOFF SCHEDULE
#2 Southwood Dolphins vs. #1 Mootown Marauders