Tallahassee Democrat (Tallahassee, FL) – With the NFFL season seven months away and no threat of labor strife on the horizon things are relatively quiet at league headquarters. “Following a very successful and somewhat stressful sixth season we give everyone a bit of a breather. It’s lets our staff pursue other interest and spend some time with their families. ” said Commissioner Mike Bonfanti as he completed a Sudoku puzzle while sipping an iced chai.
The commissioner noted there were several items to be addressed during the off-season. Among these was retention of current owners, possible expansion, and the implementation of TSA-styled body scanners for the draft. “The first two items should be resolved with relative ease. The last will be contentious and has some owners concerned about their 4th Amendment rights.”
Tom “Iron Fist” Criss is leading the charge for the body scanners. He is primarily concerned about unlawful draft aides being smuggled into the draft. “Remember what Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman, safety first! I’m worried someone could smuggle in something that could give an owner an unfair advantage, like a snake full of high quality Southeast Asian heroin.” Other league owners declined to comment on Criss’ latest crusade