Tallahassee Democract (Tallahassee, FL) – The Hillard Flashes emasculated the Monticello Cornish Hens 102-88 in Week 1 of the NFFL. The Flashes owner Becky Bonfanti was humble following the victory and took to Twitter to express her gratitude to the Cornish Hens for a game well played. “I won! I won! I won!” she exclaimed while giving a fist pump. The Hens’ owner Tyler McNeill refused to address the press, and instead issued a statement through Harper McNeill, the team’s spokeswoman. The statement noted he was in a committed relationship with Mike Trout, and would not be able to devote his full attention to the NFFL until they stopped giving naked piggyback rides to one another in fields full of dewy grass and sunflowers.
The newest members of the NFFL, the New Canaan Chrebets tied the Lamont All Stars 105-105. New Canaan needed a point in the final drive of the game from Phillip Rivers, but ultimately came up short. “I’ll be honest. Rivers wasn’t our first choice at QB. I for one wanted Ken O’Brien. Rivers also misses practice all the time because he’s siring his own starting 11, and he played for NC State. Never trust anyone who went to NC State.” said Chrebet’s President William “Rex Ryan” Kristoph. The Chrebets will look to get their smack talking back on track against the Hilliard Flashes in an early season match-up that could have major implications in the Tagliabue Division.
Meanwhile in the Lombardi Division the defending NFFL Champion Mootown Marauders fell to the Slippery Rock Torfeasors 87-70. Mike “For the People” Haire addressed his team following the win with tears in his eyes and noted, “Justice was served on that field today. Little Johnny Smith can now walk because of what you did out there.” The atmosphere was much more subdued in the Marauders’ locker room. “It’s just one loss. I’m not scared and plus, I am going to go buy a new pair of really cute shoes,” said Kirsten “Dolce” Matthis.
SLAP CHOP NFFL Scoreboard
FIVE GUYS NFFL Standings
|North Florida Seersuckers||1||0||0||1.000||—|
|Slippery Rock Tortfeasors||1||0||0||1.000||—|
|New Canaan Chrebets||0||0||1||.500||0.5|
|Lamont All Stars||0||0||1||.500||0.5|
|Monticello Cornish Hens||0||1||0||.000||1|