The Rocket (Slippery Rock, PA) – The Slippery Rock Tortfeasors crushed the Golden Eagles 116-50. The win pushed the Tortfeasors’ winning streak to five as they remained perfect for the season. “I’m not going to say that the Golden Eagles are personally responsible for those bottles of tainted medication that made thousands of infants sick. I’ll just let the result on the field, and the complaint I filed in Circuit Court speak for themselves,” said Mike “Cochrane” Haire. The Eagles find themselves in fourth place in the Lombardi Division with a disappointing 2-3 record. “I’m not sure what’s going on. Changes are needed and no one is safe, not even Donna Criss, our offensive coordinator,” said a distraught Eagles GM.
The North Florida Seersuckers got back in the win column as they dispatched their bitter rivals, the Miccosukee Nimrods, 118-87. “Beating the Nimrods is the cherry on my sundae of a weekend,” said ‘Seers QB Aaron Rodgers. The mood in the Nimrods’ locker room was subdued and the media was not allowed inside while Bennett “Boy Wonder” Zollner gave the team a thorough tongue lashing. Details of what were said are sketchy, but apparently included threats of violence, possible disfigurement, and a trip to Burma in something called “the hot box.”
The shine is clearly off the defending NFFL Champion Mootown Marauders as they fell to 1-4 with a 99-90 loss against the New Canaan Chrebets. GM Geoff Gonzalez’s office number is no longer in service, and owner Kirsten “Gazprom” Matthis refused to attend her weekly press conference due to a “wardrobe malfuntion.” The Marauders did issue a statement indicating the season was not over, and they would not surrender the NFFL Cup without a vicious honey badger inspired fight. “Words are easy to say. They obviously can’t back them up on the field. The cup will be mine!” said a confident Bill “Nutmeg” Kristoph as he turned out the lights on the Marauders’ home field.
SLAP CHOP NFFL Scoreboard
All Stars 124
Cornish Hens 86
FIVE GUYS NFFL Standings
|Slippery Rock Tortfeasors||5||0||0||1.000||—|
|North Florida Seersuckers||3||2||0||.600||2|
|New Canaan Chrebets||3||1||1||.700||—|
|Lamont All Stars||2||2||1||.500||1|
|Monticello Cornish Hens||2||3||0||.400||1.5|