Jersey Journal (Jersey City, NJ) – The Tagliabue and Lombardi Divisions lined up in five inter-divisional match-ups that saw the Junior Circuit post four wins. The Tagliabue teams were faster, stronger, and better paired as they routed their Lombardi counterparts. The trend started as the New Canaan Chrebets posted a ten point win over the North Florida Seersuckers. “All I do is win baby! Tell that Bonfanti kid to go cry in his apple buttah. As for the rest of those Lombardi losers, I thought yous were elite,” said a joyous Bill “Mystic Seaport” Kristoph. The loss dropped the ‘Seers to 3-3 on the year. “I’m not going to lie, losing to a Yankee stings, but we’ll regroup and meet him in the playoffs,” said Mike “Remember the Maine” Bonfanti.
The Lamont All Stars continued the Tagliabue trend as they dropped the Golden Eagles 100-86. A confident Kirk “Chicken in Every Pot” Reams addressed his fans following the victory. “One thing you can count on is for the Eagles to fold in the post season. We told their players this was the first week of the playoffs, and they responded appropriately.” Following the loss the Eagles quickly boarded the team bus and refused to issue a statement.
In the match-up between the 1-4 Mootown Marauders and the 1-4 Hilliard Flashes, the team from Nassau County bowed up and punched the defending NFFL Champion in the mouth. “Winning is something I like to do. I feel terrible that Kirsten’s team played like a bunch of one legged hobos, bless their hearts,” said Flashes owner Becky “Confederate Jasmine” Bonfanti. For the now 1-5 Marauders panic has set in. “We lost? No we didn’t. We won. I know we did. Out damn loss! Out I say!” said a clearly delusional Kirsten “Lady MacBeth” Matthis.
The sole victory for the downtrodden Lombardi Division came as the Slippery Rock Tortfeasors upped their record to 6-0 with a 130-90 win over the struggling Southwood Dolphins. “Not only did our team win, but the American people who have suffered for too long at the hands of callous corporations won too,” said Mike “For the People” Haire. The Dolphins management was upset following the loss and promised changes to the team. “I love my kids, but they’re not very good at running my team,” said Seth “Lemon Hunter” Rubin.
SLAP CHOP NFFL Scoreboard
Cornish Hens 83
FIVE GUYS NFFL Standings
|Slippery Rock Tortfeasors||6||0||0||1.000||—|
|North Florida Seersuckers||3||3||0||.500||3|
|TEAM||W||L||T||PCT||GB||New Canaan Chrebets||4||1||1||.750||—|
|Lamont All Stars||3||2||1||.583||1|
|Monticello Cornish Hens||3||3||0||.500||1.5||Hilliard Flashes||2||4||0||.333||2.5|