Workers Daily Press (St. Petersburgh, Russia) – The march of the Tortfeasors continued on Monday as they eviscerated the Mootown Marauders 89-29 and captured their first Lombardi Division Title since the NFFL went to two divisions in 2009. “The win, it feels good. We have made mother Russia proud. Our enemies attempted to invade. To rape and pillage our farm animals and women. But we stood tall. We stood proud. We were victorious!” said an emotional Michael “Red Square” Haire. The Tortfeasors are now assured of at least the second seed in the NFFL Playoffs, and guaranteed a first week bye. Meanwhile, the mood in the defending NFFL Champion’s locker room was more subdued. The Mootown Marauders cling to only the narrowest of playoff hopes and could be mathematically eliminated by next weekend. Owner Kirsten “Gazprom” Matthis could not be reached for comment as she was “in disposed” on her private yacht somewhere on the Adriatic Sea.
The monolithic like New Canaan Chrebets continued the push for the Tagliabue Division Title as they dismantled the hapless Hilliard Flashes 148-78. “We’s not gonna have those right to work state people come into our state and repair our ‘letrical lines. A couple of thumps with a ball-peen hammah will show ’em how we’s do it in Jeah-sey.” said Chrebets ownah William “Bada Bing” Kristoph. The Hilliard Flashes also cling to their playoff lives and must win out if they have any hope of making the NFFL Playoffs for the first time in the franchise’s short history.
In another key Tagliabue Division battle the Monticello Cornish Hens gaffed the Southwood Dolphins 102-68. The Dolphins were listless from the start of the game and never recovered after a strong first quarted by the Fightin’ Hens. “Rubin took it like a man. We’re now looking forward to a huge game against the Chrebets in two weeks. Kristoph talks a good game, but I only have on thing to say to him, PBL,” said Tyler “Too Legit” McNeill as he dropped the mic and walked off the podium during the post-game press conference. The Dolphins will attempt to rebound next week against the surging Chrebets, a task that may prove too large to tackle.
SLAP CHOP NFFL Scoreboard
All Stars 113
Golden Eagles 80
FIVE GUYS NFFL Standings
|# Slippery Rock Tortfeasors||9||1||0||.900||—|
|North Florida Seersuckers||5||5||0||.500||4|
|TEAM||W||L||T||PCT||GB||*New Canaan Chrebets||7||2||1||.750||—|
|Monticello Cornish Hens||6||4||1.5||.600||1|
|Lamont All Stars||5||5||1||.550||2|
|Southwood Dolphins||5||5||0||.500||2||Hilliard Flashes||2||8||0||.200||5.5|
# – Division Champion and first round bye
* – Qualified for the 2012 NFFL Playoffs
x – Eliminated from the 2012 NFFL Playoffs