Tallahassee Democrat (Tallahassee, FL) – The New Canaan Chrebets earned the number one overall seed, and a first round bye, in the NFFL Playoffs by decimating the Miccosukee Nimrods 126-67. The Chrebets finish the season 10-2-1, good for the best regular season mark since the 2007 Golden Eagles went 12-1 on their way to their first NFFL Championship. On his way to board the team’s private jet, owner William “None of yous gave a kid from the tough streets of New Canaan a chance in your fancy pants league. Do you like apples? Well I grabbed the numbah one seed in the playoffs. How do you like dem apples?” The Nimrods owner refused comment and indicated his GM’s job could be on the line. Bennett “Boy Wonder” Zollner issued a statement noting “he was Joe Zollner’s son” and “could not be terminated because mom would be really upset.”
The Slippery Rock Tortfeasors beat the North Florida Seersuckers 105-90 and earned the second overall seed, and a first round bye, in the NFFL Playoffs. The Tortfeasors finished the year 10-3 and look forward to the week off. “We really need to file a lot of appellate briefs this week, and the bye is going to come in handy. A fellas gotta earn a living somehow,” said a jubilant Mike Haire as he skipped off to Circuit Court.
The Monticello Cornish Hens finished strong as they squeaked out a win over their arch rival, the Lamont All Stars, 91-89. The win secured the third seed in the playoffs and a first round match-up with the North Florida Seersuckers. “They made the playoffs? Seriously? That team is a dumpster fire. So we basically have a bye? Am I right?” said a confident Tyler “Jay Bruce has a Pretty Mouth” McNeill. For the All Stars, they locked down the fifth seed with a 6-6-1 record and will face the Golden Eagles. Kirk “Hanging Chad” Reams indicated it would be a hard fought battle focused on the issues and not personal attacks. “I’m not saying that Tom has no idea what he’s doing, but he has no idea what he’s doing. Is this mic hot? Dammit.”
Following a 100-85 defeat of the Mootown Marauders the Golden Eagles secured the fourth seed with Tom “Soar Like an Eagle” Criss upon hearing his team would be facing the Lamont All Stars he put down his bottle of sparkling grape juice, took off his party hat, and asked the dancers to leave. “Lamont should not be underestimated. Sure they’re run by a shady politician with a pension for girly drinks, but they’re no pushover!” The two teams will settle their differences on the field.
The final seed in the playoffs went to the North Florida Seersuckers. Despite dropping four straight games and finishing the season with a dreadful 5-8 record, the ‘Seers became the first team to qualify for the post season with a sub-.500 record. Although tied with both the Nimrods and Dolphins at 5-8, the ‘Seers held the all important head to head tie breaker against both squads. “Frankly, I’m amazed we finagled our way into the bracket. 5-8 may not be the prettiest record, but she’s good enough to get us into the dance,” said Mike “Carolina Gold” Bonfanti as he sipped a fine single barrel bourbon.
SLAP CHOP NFFL PLAYOFF SCHEDULE
#6 North Florida Seersuckers vs. #3 Monticello Cornish Hens
#5 Lamont All Stars vs. #4 Golden Eagles
#1 New Canaan Chrebets and #2 Slippery Rock Tortfeasors – First round byes
FIVE GUYS NFFL Standings
|# Slippery Rock Tortfeasors||10||3||0||.769||—|
|* Golden Eagles||7||6||0||.538||3|
|* North Florida Seersuckers||5||8||0||.385||5|
|x Miccosukee Nimrods||5||8||0||.385||5|
|x Mootown Marauders||4||9||0||.308||6|
|TEAM||W||L||T||PCT||GB||# New Canaan Chrebets||10||2||1||.808||—|
|* Monticello Cornish Hens||8||5||1||.615||2.5|
|* Lamont All Stars||6||6||1||.500||3|
|x Southwood Dolphins||5||8||0||.385||5.5||x Hilliard Flashes||4||9||0||.308||6.5|
# – Division Champion and first round bye
* – Qualified for the 2012 NFFL Playoffs
x – Eliminated from the 2012 NFFL Playoffs