Eagles Soar to New Heights in Thumping of Nimrods

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Golden Eagle Review (Golden, CO) – The Golden Eagles opened their 2013 NFFL Season by taking the Miccosukee Nimrods behind the woodshed and opening an old fashioned can of whoop ass. As the clock expired on the Eagles’ 156-127 win owner Tom “2012 Champ” Criss dashed onto the field with tears in his eyes. “Losing in the NFFL Playoffs on a technicality hurt, but my Peytie Pookums eased my pain!” The mood in the Nimrods’ locker room was somber, but owner Joe “Pirogi” Zollner faced defeat with honesty. “Sometimes you’re the tree, and sometimes you’re the buzz saw. Today we were a piece of virgin pine cut down in our prime, but we’ll be back.” The Rods will try for their first win of the season next week against the rival Marauders.

The reigning NFFL Champion New Canaan Chrebets’ defense of their title got off to a rocky start as they fell 107-102 to the Lamont All Stars.  The games was the closest of the weekend and was not decided until the final whistle when All Stars running back Arian Foster punched in the winning touchdown. “What a game, what a performance, and what a good day to be an All Star!” said Kirk “Gerrymander” Reams as he was carried off the field by his players while sipping a fine Prosecco.  Chrebets’ GM T-Dub “Thinner Crust” Kristoph  addressed the media and noted his team would rebound. “Fer gawd sakes, we play the Flashes next week. That team is run by a gurl and is freakin terrible. We ain’t scared about goin oh and two ‘cuz it ain’t happenin. No how, no ways.”

In the most lopsided result of the week the Southwood Dolphins fell to the North Florida Seersuckers 109-45. Fins’ GM Mikey “Differential Equations” Rubin was shocked by the result and indicated he believed the season started next week. “Our calendar says the season starts on the 12th. This game did not happen. Logic dictates we are undefeated.” For the ‘Seers who are trying to put the disastrous 2012 season behind them this was a good start.  “My granny always said a possum and a weasel make beautiful music when the moon is right and the shine is strong,” said a shirtless Seersuckers’ head coach Matthew Mcconaughey.

FOUR LOKO NFFL SCOREBOARD

Tortfeasors 99
Marauders 77

Cornish Hens 104
Flashes 64

BOJANGLES NFFL STANDINGS

LOMBARDI DIVISION
TEAM W L T PCT GB
Golden Eagles 1 0 0 1.000
North Florida Seersuckers 1 0 0 1.000
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 1 0 0 1.000
Miccosukee Nimrods 0 1 0 .000 1
Mootown Marauders 0 1 0 .000 1
TAGLIABUE DIVISION
TEAM W L T PCT GB
Lamont All Stars 1 0 0 1.000
Monticello Cornish Hens 1 0 0 1.000
New Canaan Chrebets 0 1 0 .000 1
Hilliard Flashes 0 1 0 .000 1
Southwood Dolphins 0 1 0 .000 1
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