Marauders Maul Seersuckers


Gazprom Gazette (Moscow) – The Mootown Marauders dealt the North Florida Seersucks their first lost of the NFFL season as they rolled to a 131-98 victory. The Marauders’ glamourous owner, Kirsten “Gazprom” Matthis addressed the media in a locker room full of half naked men.  “Mink is my favorite thing in the world closely followed by cute heels and then throttling Bonfanti’s football team. I assume he’ll whine like a petulant orphan forced to live off day old Chinese takeout about how my Russian petro-dollars and fabulous gams provided me an unfair advantage.  Well guess what? You lost. Suck it. Suck it!” The Seersuckers were not phased by loss and brushed it off as a mere hiccup on their march to the cup. Head coach Jimbo “Sanford” Fisher addressed the Mootown Chairman’s invitation. “Suck what? I mean, c’mon. What are we supposed to suck? She’s really kinda of unclear. We’ll stick to our process and bounce back next week against the Tortfeasors. Also, poise.”

In the Liquid Nail-biter of the week the Cornish Hens defeated the Golden Eagles 89-86.  The loss pushes the Hens to a 2-1 record, good for second place in the Tagliabue Division.  “Beating Tom is what we do. I give the guy credit, he’s scrappy and tries really hard. But balls don’t lie. The Hens are winners and the Eagles are chumps,” said the ruthless OC of the Hens, Mae Mae “Triple Option” McNeill. Tom “Manning” Criss was belligerently defiant.  “My draft guides and Donna said I drafted a really swell team. We should be undefeated, not 1-2! This irritates me more than a mosquito bite!” The Eagles will attempt and rebound in Week 4 against the surging Marauders.

The good citizens of New Cannan can breathe a sigh of relief as their Chrebets notched the first win of the season in a 80-58 win over the struggling Southwood Dolphins.  “Hey, Ma! The thin crust! We want it now! The thin crust! What is she doin? I never know what she is doin back there. Ma! The thin crust! Wait, is this thing on? Whatevah. We won. The Dolphins lost. And weez is sick an tiahud of the Commishuhnuh keepin’ us down. Youz is on the list smaht kid!” said a hungry and cranky T-Dub Kristoph.  The hapless Southwood team retreated to the team’s motorcoach without comment.  Owner Seth “WTF” Rubin sent his Executive Committe to bed without dinner. “Success has made them lazy. It time for some tough love.”


Flashes 85
All Stars 89

Nimrods 57
Tortfeasors 81


Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 3 0 0 1.000
Mootown Marauders 2 1 0 .667 1
North Florida Seersuckers 2 1 0 .667 1
Golden Eagles 1 2 0 .333 2
Miccosukee Nimrods 0 3 0 .000 3
Lamont All Stars 2 1 0 .667
Monticello Cornish Hens 2 1 0 .667
New Canaan Chrebets 1 2 0 .333 1
Hilliard Flashes 1 2 0 .333 1
Southwood Dolphins 1 2 0 .333 1

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