All Stars Drown Dolphins

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Jefferson County Journal (Monticello, Florida) – The Lamont All Stars surged to the top of the Tagliabu Division with a 147-104 dismantling of the rudderless Southwood Dolphins.  The All Stars were led by the impressive 26 point performance of TE Tony Gonzalez.  “He may be old as dirt, but the dude can still ball,” said All Stars’ fan Mayor John “Teflon” Marks.  For the Dolphins the loss placed them in the divisional cellar next to the rats, dust bunnies, and a red Swingline staple.  “Losing sucks. My brother and sister are more concerned with school work than building a winner. It’s time for me to take over,” said ‘Fins technical director Troy “Samson” Rubin.

In a battle of struggling squads the Miccosukee Nimrods doused the Hilliard Flashes 108-98 before a sold out crowd at Specjal Mocny Stadium.  “Oh yeah! That felt good. Winner! This guy! Where’s my vodka? Wooooooooo!” exclaimed a shirtless Joey “Pierogi” Zollner as he raced towards the locker room.  Following the loss Hilliard quickly boarded the team bus and departed the raucous team without comment.  Both teams are now 1-3 on the season and will look for their second wins in Week 5. 

One of the fiercest rivalries in the NFFL saw the Monticello Cornish Hens defeat the New Canaan Chrebets 96-68.  “Some things get old, but beating Bill in anything, fantasy baseball, football, tiddly winks, never gets old. Suck it Kristoph!” stated the victorious Tyler “New Canaan Who” McNeill.  A disheveled and bewildered Bill “Thin Crust” Kristoph was blunt in the assessment of his team. “They’re terrible. Freakin’ terrible. I apologize to our millions of fans out there. This is not Chrebets football and it’s not worthy of a team that should be defending the NFFL title.”  Following a brief statement by T-Dub who had just finished his milk and cheese the Chrebets vowed to defeat the first place Marauders.  “We’re not about to lose to freaking Mootown next weekend.”

FOUR LOKO NFFL SCOREBOARD

Tortfeasors 81
Seersuckers 106

Eagles 126
Marauders 141

BOJANGLES NFFL STANDINGS

LOMBARDI DIVISION
TEAM W L T PCT GB
Mootown Marauders 3 1 0 .750
North Florida Seersuckers 3 1 0 .750
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 3 1 0 .750
Golden Eagles 1 3 0 .250 2
Miccosukee Nimrods 1 3 0 .250 2
TAGLIABUE DIVISION
TEAM W L T PCT GB
Lamont All Stars 3 1 0 .750
Monticello Cornish Hens 3 1 0 .750
Hilliard Flashes 1 3 0 .250 2
New Canaan Chrebets 1 3 0 .250 2
Southwood Dolphins 1 3 0 .250 2
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