Hens Scratch Out Victory

Waloon Rooster

Waloon Rooster (Monticello, FL) – In a battle for the ages the Monticello Cornish Hens defeated Reams’ All Stars 80-62 to claim first place in the turbulent Tagliabue Division.  Warm salty tears rolled down the cheeks of Kirk “Maninator” Reams as the final seconds ticked off the clock.  Hens’ owner Tyler “E-File” McNeill was seen placing his arm around Reams’ shoulder in what initially appeared to be a gesture of sportsmanship.  “I admit it. I licked his tears. They tasted of defeat and lost opportunity,” stated McNeill as he was led from Reams’ box by armed members of the JCSO.  Reams who was thoroughly disturbed following the cheek licking incident issued a statement noting he likely would need therapy and he “would punch Tyler in the balls” at his first opportunity.  The All Stars will look to get back in the win column next week against the surging Golden Eagles. 

As promised following a disappointing Week 4 the New Canaan Chrebets rolled over the Mootown Marauders 109-75.  The win places the Chrebets back in the thick of the NFFL Playoff race.  Following the victory Bill “Thin Crust” Kristoph was already looking forward to a clash with the hated North Florida Seersuckers. “Bonfanti is busy tryin to intimidate us, yous know? But we’re gonna crack some Seersuckaaah skulls next weekend. Da guy tried to beat the Chrebets to da punch for some playah pickups, see, but he missed out. O-U-T OUT. Hey Bonfanti, you want some apples!??? Come get ‘em… WE GOT SOME APPLES FOR YA.”  The Marauders were at a loss to explain why their high flying offense fizzled. “I’m not sure what happened, but I blame Geoff,” said Kirsten “Jimmy Choo” Matthis.

In a Tagliabue Division battle the North Florida Seersuckers gutted the Miccosukee Nimrods 116-74.  “I heard Thin Crust mentioned something about apples? He can have them, because I’m going to drink his milkshake. I drink it up!” said a confident Mike “Plainview” Bonfanti.  By the time the Nimrods’ owner was set to address the media Joey “Pierogi” Zollner had blacked out. In his place GM Bennett “Fighting Illini” Zollner appeared and read a statement. It stated in full “Losing sucks. Bonfanti sucks. You’re cool. I’m out.” The Nimrods will look to rebound next week against the first place Hens.


Tortfeasors 88
Eagles 152

Dolphins 126
Flashes 70


North Florida Seersuckers 4 1 0 .800
Mootown Marauders 3 2 0 .600 1
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 3 2 0 .600 1
Golden Eagles 2 3 0 .400 2
Miccosukee Nimrods 1 4 0 .200 3
Monticello Cornish Hens 4 1 0 .800
Lamont All Stars 3 2 0 .600 1
New Canaan Chrebets 2 3 0 .400 2
Southwood Dolphins 2 3 0 .400 2
Hilliard Flashes 1 4 0 .200 3

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