Seersuckers Rout Nimrods

North Florida Seersuckers

Jefferson Journal (Monticello, FL) The North Florida Seersuckers improved their record to a league best 7-2 with a win 88-49 win over the Miccosukee Nimrods.  Following the win the mood in Seers’ locker room was unexpectedly subdued.  “Granny always said to bite the silver to make sure copper ain’t under the skin. Dig a little deeper and this team is copper,” said North Florida’s head coach Matthew McConaughey.  The Nimrods performance was among the league’s worst of the 2013 campaign.  When tracked down for comment Joe “Pirogi” Zollner was on a beach somewhere in Belize.  “Wait, we weren’t on a bye this week? What the hell. I thought we got byes like the players do. Dammit Bennett!” The Seersuckers will look to secure a playoff position next week against the Lamont All Stars while the ‘Rods will tackle the high flying Golden Eagles.

In a Tagliabue Division battle that could have playoff implications the Hilliard Flashes notched their third win of the season in a 101-47 ass whooping of the free falling Monticello Cornish Hens. “I love Tyler, Jenny, and their girls. But I wasn’t sad to see the little McNeills in tears as my team drove the dagger into their daddy’s heart,” said Becky “The Blade” Bonfanti.  The Hens have now lost four straight games and find themselves at 4-5.  “Can Jay Bruce and Mike Trout play football? I need my beautiful man candy to get me into the playoffs,” said a distraught Tyler “Hemlock” McNeill.

A tough season for the defending NFFL Champion New Canaan Chrebets got tougher as they were defeated 112-57 by the Lamont All Stars. The loss is the Chrebets sixth on the season and drops them to the cellar of the Tagliabue Division. “I will not be taking any questions. We will get through this. Bonfanti and the league are behind our struggles, never trust a Sicilian!” shouted Bill “Thin Crust” Kristoph as his team departed Stade de Lamont.  Chrebets GM T-Dub was seen tossing his bottle and crackers onto the floor and also refused to address his team’s struggle. “Fahgetaboutit! Maybe next week aftah we win I’ll address you slouches.” Lamont owner Kirk “Let’s Make a Deal” Reams gave a fist pump and deuces to the Chrebets team as time expired. “Winning is what we do. Next up is North Florida. Fear us.” noted Reams as he guzzled a delicious ice cold Four Loko.


Golden Eagles 150
Tortfeasors 81

Dolphins 123
Marauders 89


North Florida Seersuckers 7 2 0 .777
Mootown Marauders 6 3 0 .666 1
Golden Eagles 6 3 0 .666 1
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 5 4 0 .555 2
Miccosukee Nimrods 3 6 0 .333 4
Southwood Dolphins 5 4 0 .555
Cornish Hens 4 5 0 .444 1
Lamont All Stars 4 5 0 .444 1
Hilliard Flashes 3 6 0 .444 2
New Canaan Chrebets 2 7 0 .222 3

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