Monticello News (Monticello, FL) – With two weeks left in the regular season the Tagliabue Division is a dumpster fire. “No one wants to win it. As soon as someone gets close enough to take control of the division they promptly throw up all over themselves. It’s ridiculous,” said an unnamed league official.
The Southwood Dolphins became the lastest example of Tagliabue futility as they fell to the New Canaan Chrebets 78-56. “We was playin for our season. A loss would’ve eliminated us from the playoffs. Now we has hope, and hope is a good thing,” said Chrebets owner Bill “Thin Crust” Kristoph as he drew up next week’s game plan on the lid of a pizza box. Seth “Miss Lippy” Rubin was unavailable for comment and was seen covering his face in paste.
The Hilliard Flashes improved their record to 5-6 and kept their division title hopes alive as they defeated the Lamont All Stars 67-62. “We beat Kirk? I had no idea. I was making a Pintrist board full of really cute things I found on mommy blogger sites!” said Becky “Living on a Prayer” Bonfanti. The mood was dour in the All Stars’ locker room as players sat silent and received a verbal lashing from head coach Charlie “Ooompa Loompa” Crist. “Men! It’s about consistency. It’s about being stable like a rock and never waiving. It’s about being orange dammit!” shrieked Crist as orange colored tears streaked his fake tanned face.
The Monticello Cornish Hens helped keep the Tagliabue Division muddy as they notched their first win in six weeks with a 102-98 victory over the Slippery Rock Tortfeasors. “Jenny bar the door! The Hens won a game and daddy’s looking for some loving and an ice cold domestic beer!” declared a moderately buzzed Tyler “Mostly Dead” McNeill as he put on a cape and danced about the field. Mike “Il Duce” Haire scowled from his box and vowed revenge. “He comes to my field. Drinks my near beer. And defiles the premises with his silly cape dance? Revenge will be mine!”
FOUR LOKO NFFL SCOREBOARD
Golden Eagles 62
BOJANGLES NFFL STANDINGS
|* North Florida Seersuckers||8||3||0||.727||—|
|Slippery Rock Tortfeasors||6||5||0||.545||2|
|Lamont All Stars||5||6||0||.455||1|
|Monticello Cornish Hens||5||6||0||.455||1|
|New Canaan Chrebets||3||8||0||.273||3|
# – Division Champion and first round bye
* – Qualified for the 2012 NFFL Playoffs
x – Eliminated from the 2013 NFFL Playoffs