Monticello News (Monticello, FL) – The Southwood Dolphins burned the Hilliard Flashes 95-47 to finish 7-6 and capture their third Tagliabue Division Title. The sweetest part of the victory is the first round bye the team earned for the upcoming NFFL Playoffs. “I calculated the likelihood of a victory employing a variety of variables. Logically I concluded the Flashes are dog excrement,” said ‘Fins Director of Statistic Michael “Pi” Rubin. For the Flashes 2013 will be remembered as another losing season. “We may be terrible, but I’ll always have my Miss Hilliard H.S. Crown!” noted a mascara stained Becky Bonfanti.
The Monticello Cornish Hens secured the last remaining NFFL Playoff spot with a 151-111 win over their arch-rival, the Lamont All Stars. “Anytime I can beat Kirk is special, but knocking his sorry butt from a playoff spot makes it even sweeter,” said Hens’ coach Hines “Downtown” Boyd. A distraught Capt. Kirk Reams vacated his sky box without addressing reporters.
The H.H. Gregg Who Sucks Less Bowl between the Miccosukee Nimrods and New Canaan Chrebets appropriately ended in a 63-63 tie. The tie insured the 2013 NFFL Champion Chrebets finished with a league worst 3-9-1 record. “I’m so sorry ma. You cook da meat loaf so good, and howz do I repays ya? With a turrible season,” sobbed Chrebets’ GM T-dub “Dumpy Pants” Kristoph. When asked if a front office change would be made in the off season Bill “Local 593” Kristoph hit the offending reporter in the mouth with a sock full of quarters.
FOUR LOKO NFFL SCOREBOARD
BACON WAVE NFFL PLAYOFF SCHEDULE
#6 Monticello Cornish Hens vs. #3 Slippery Rock Tortfeasors
#5 Mootown Marauders vs. #4 North Florida Seersuckers
#1 Golden Eagles and #2 Southwood Dolphins – First round byes
BOJANGLES NFFL STANDINGS
|# Golden Eagles||9||4||0||.692||—|
|* Slippery Rock Tortfeasors||8||5||0||.615||1|
|* North Florida Seersuckers||8||5||0||.615||1|
|* Mootown Marauders||7||6||0||.538||2|
|x Miccosukee Nimrods||4||8||1||.346||4.5|
|# Southwood Dolphins||7||6||0||.500||—|
|* Monticello Cornish Hens||7||6||0||.500||—|
|x Lamont All Stars||6||7||0||.461||1|
|x Hilliard Flashes||5||8||0||.384||2|
|x New Canaan Chrebets||3||9||1||.269||3.5|
# – Division Champion and first round bye
* – Qualified for the 2013 NFFL Playoffs
x – Eliminated from the 2013 NFFL Playoffs