Des Moines Register (Des Moines, IA) – The Des Moines Dopplebocks have been announced as the 12th NFFL franchise. The ‘Bocks are owned by Geoff Gonzalez, former GM of the Mootown Marauders. “I was tired of slaving away, doing all the work, making dinner, adding a running back, and getting none of the credit,” Gonzalez stated before a packed room at Little Timmy’s Ale House & Medical Supply Co. “This team is going to compete for a title and assert our dominance over the soon to be rudderless Marauders!” he shouted as he double fisted a signature spring ale.
Stunned by the departure of her man candy GM Kirsten “Black Widow” Matthis answered questions while getting a pedicure at Gina’s Nail Bar. “No, I don’t think Geoff leaving our organization will impact us. Can you say paper tiger? What’s in Iowa anyway? Hogs and corn. But whatever, I can’t confirm what he does with all that produce, but midgets makes me queasy.” When questioned about her prior use of a homeless man to make shoes Matthis boiled over. “It was one pair of shoes people. He was homeless. Homeless! Honestly, you peasants!” Several empty champagne glasses and a Prince CD were seen in the Black Widow’s vicinity and she subsequently passed out while having ‘Fuck U Geoff’ painted on her toes.
With the addition of the Dopplebocks the NFFL will have to address the structure of the league. “Playing every team is very important to all of us. The current two division, six playoff team structure will not allow us to continue on this course. In the coming weeks we plan to address this issue and forge a new course for our great league,” stated Executive Committee Member Kirk “Murica” Reams.