Fluffy Landing, FL (Carrot Cake Times) – The first week of the 2015 NFFL Season opened in bloody fashion as the Fluffiest Bunnies dismantled the Jameistown Colony 129-55. Several people in attendance became physically ill while watching the Colony throw-up all over themselves. “Our foundation is poor. When your foundation is weak your Lego house cannot stand,” quipped Colony GM Len “Flavor Fresh” Bonfanti as he made his way to the team bus following the loss. Lilly Okanakamura, PR Director for the Bunnies issued a statement noting the win was a great way to being the 2015 campaign, and that she ate her twin in the womb.
In slightly less disturbing news the Canadian Beavers broke open a can of maple whoop-ass and throttled the Southwood Dolphins 106-99. Although the Beavers are an expansion team expectations are high for this crew of seal blubber fueled football mercenaries. Owner Sara “Iron” Hart reveled in her victory and while tipping back a Labatt Bleue noted that “statistically I’m going to kick some ass this year. Trust me, I’m a scientist, eh!”
Rounding out the first week’s slate, the Mootown Marauders upset the heavily favored Golden Eagles 77-62. Peyton Manning played in a manner fit for an octogenarian scoring a paltry 5 points. “After buying a new pair of Jimmy Choos and insider energy trading, beating Tom is one of my favorite things in life!” remarked Marauders’ owner Kirsten “Gazprom” Matthis. The Eagles will look to rebound in Week 2 as they face one of their traditional rivals, the Slippery Rock Tortfeasors.
FOUR LOKO NFFL SCOREBOARD
TARGET NFFL STANDINGS
|Slippery Rock Tortfeasors||0||1||0||.000||1|
|North Florida Seersuckers||1||0||0||1.000||—|
|Little Lebowski Urban Achievers||0||1||0||.000||—|