Eagles Defile Tortfeasors

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Golden Transcripts (Golden, CO) – The Golden Eagles rebounded from a first week disappointment to drub the Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 107-36. Darth Criss attributed the win to the solid play of QB Peyton Manning. “In a galaxy at war, there is only one way to get the attention of the NFFL. Slaughter of the innocent. Mercilessly and without compromise as shown by my apprentice, Peyton Manning.” The mood in the Tortfeasors’ locker room was less festive.  “Corporal punishment is not looked down upon by our organization, and is in fact, encouraged,” stated Mike “Il Duce” Haire as he walked through a set of double doors with a cattle prod in one hand and anger in his eyes.

Dreams of a win escaped the Southwood Dolphins as they tied the Fluffiest Bunnies 122-122.  The ‘Fins’ frustration was evidence as GM Troy “Me Hulk” Rubin mainlined Kool Aid and addressed the media. “We play anyone else and we win. 122 points! It’s a crime. Who has the Commissioner’s number? I need to send him a strongly worded text. Or draw him a picture in crayon.” The NFFL League office declined to pass the Commissioner’s phone number out and indicated he had exceeded his monthly data usage for the month.

The Jameistown Colony broke out of the loss column with a 83-83 tie against the Canadian Beavers. “What’s important is that we followed the process and we got a better result. Do we want to win? Sure, but a tie is better than a loss, especially when you tried your hardest,” opined Colony GM Len “Windex” Bonfanti. The Colony will look to get their first win of the season next week against the floundering Tortfeasors.

FOUR LOKO NFFL SCOREBOARD

Achievers 42
Seersuckers 119

Numbers 85
Marauders 80

Miners 54
Nimrods 65

TARGET NFFL STANDINGS

LOMBARDI DIVISION
TEAM W L T PCT GB
Fluffiest Bunnies 1 0 1 .750
Coles Miners 1 1 0 .500 0.5
Mootown Marauders 1 1 0 .500 0.5
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 0 2 0 .000 1.5
TAGLIABUE DIVISION
TEAM W L T PCT GB
North Florida Seersuckers 2 0 0 1.000
Canadian Beavers 1 0 1 .750 0.5
Golden Eagles 1 1 0 .500 1
Auburn Numbers 1 1 0 .500 1
GUNSEL DIVISION
TEAM W L T PCT GB
Miccosukee Nimrods 1 1 0 .500
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers 0 1 1 .250 0.5
Jameistown Colony 0 1 1 .250 0.5
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers 0 2 0 .000 1
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