Los Angles Times (Los Angeles, CA) – The Little Lebowski Urban Achievers had their dreams of victory dashed upon the rocks of reality as they fell to the Mootown Marauders by a score of 111-76. It appeared an upset was in the works until Aaron Rodgers cruelly dropped 44 points on a hapless Chiefs’ secondary. Achievers’ owner Luke “The Dude” Grabowski was defiant in defeat. “This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man,” he stated as he rifled through a dumpster looking for one of Tom Criss’ discarded draft guides. Mootown Marauders’ owner Kirsten “Gazprom” Matthis-Bonfanti issued a statement noting that “hope was a dangerous thing when possessed by the masses” and she “hoped the fate of the Achievers, a team destined for last place, would serve as a harsh lesson to all who attempted to better themselves.”
The ascension of the Jameistown Colony continued as the elusive first win of the season was secured 111-76 over the struggling Slippery Rock Tortfeasors. “”If we gon’ do it den, we gon’ do it big den!” chanted the crowd at a sold out Tito’s Vodka Field as the final seconds expired. The Colony is now 1-1-1 and tied for first in the Gunsel Division. The Tortfeasors will look to notch their first win of the season in Week 4 as they face their partner in futility, the 0-3 Achievers.
In the week’s closet game, the Coles Miners slipped past the Canadian Beavers 93-85. The win allowed the Miners to keep pace with Marauders for a share of second place in the Lombardi Division. “I was afraid we were going to lose. Our team was playing like a bunch of whiny men, but they dug down, channeled their inner goddess, and were able to subvert the societal norm,” said Miners’ owner Miriam “Steinem” Coles as she dashed home to cook her husband-adjacent man a hot meal. For the Beavers the loss puts them 1.5 games behind the ‘Seers. “It’s still early and I’m Canadian,” noted Sara “Caribou” Hart as she sipped a smooth Canadian whisky.
FOUR LOKO NFFL SCOREBOARD
TARGET NFFL STANDINGS
|Slippery Rock Tortfeasors||0||3||0||.000||2.5|
|North Florida Seersuckers||3||0||0||1.000||—|
|Auburn Numbers||2||1||0||.677||1 . 0|
|Little Lebowski Urban Achievers||0||3||0||.000||1.5|