Virginia Gazette (Williamsburg, VA) – The Jameistown Colony continued to surge towards the top of the Gunsel Division with a 73-36 win over the floundering Auburn Numbers. With a record of 2-1-1 the Colony are tied for first place heading into a critical stretch of divisional games. When asked about his team’s upcoming schedule GM Lenny “Potatoes and Peas” Bonfanti replied “We are just looking to win this week. Build from there, not look ahead, focus. Harness good, block bad. Around and around, up and down. For the Numbers they will look to regroup next week and not start two players on bye weeks. “That’s inexcusable. I blame Tracy,” said a disappointed Andrew “Integer” Woodward as he polished his abacus.
Coles Miners took a one game lead in the Lombardi Division with a 106-84 win over the Golden Eagles. “Before this week’s game I made the sniveling men on my team watch X-Files. Several were scared! It made me laugh. Anyway, everyone knows Scully is the brains behind the operation while Mulder is there for eye candy,” said Miriam “Smoking Man” Coles. When pressed for how this statement related to the most recent win Coles shattered a reporters camera and threw a wad of $20 bills on the ground. With regard to the losing team, the Golden Eagles released a tear covered statement vowing to press on towards the playoffs and noting “it ain’t over until it’s over!”
In the Battle of the Bottom Dwellers the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers drank from the cup of victory as they dispatched the Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 77-49. “This was a very complicated case, Maude. You know, a lotta ins, lotta outs, lotta what-have-you’s. We are just happy we finally won!” said Achiever’s GM Walter Sobchak. The Tortfeasors remain winless on the season and there are rumors major changes are in the works. Owner Mike “Il Duce” Haire was heard mubbling “Truman shall never touch my team again. His hands are soiled and have placed shame on a once proud franchise,” as he slowly shuffled out the visiting team’s locker room and into the mist filled night.
FOUR LOKO NFFL SCOREBOARD
TARGET NFFL STANDINGS
|Slippery Rock Tortfeasors||0||4||0||.000||3|
|North Florida Seersuckers||4||0||0||1.000||—|
|Canadian Beavers||2||1||1||.625||1 . 5|
|Little Lebowski Urban Achievers||1||3||0||.250||1.5|