Beavers Gnaw Numbers

Canadian Beavers

National Post (Toronto, ON) – By a final score of 114-101 the Canadian Beavers handed the once mighty Golden Eagles their fifth loss.  With the win the Beavers set up a much anticipated match against the N. Fla. Seersuckers.  “Ever since the schedule was released this game has been circled on my Palm Pilot. I enjoy taking out each member of the Bonfanti family, and toppling the Commish will be sweeter than maple syrup!” said a confident Sara “Poutine” Hart.  The Eagles stormed off the field before vandalizing their locker room. “The NSA wants us to lose. I need more tinfoil!” exclaimed a pantless Tom “They Know” Criss as he ran to a leaded line panic room.

The Mootown Marauders staked a claim as one of the top teams in the NFFL with a 96-95 nailbiter over the suddenly vulnerable Bunnies. “That win was exhausting. It’s time to relieve some stress by raising the prices of vital commodities,  turning a profit on the impoverished, and buying some new shoes!” exclaimed an overjoyed Kirsten “Gazprom” Matthis-Bonfanti after defeating her sister-in-law’s squad. The Bunnies PR Director, Lilly Okanakamura attempted to deflect the impact of the team’s loss by noting she “did a turn at County.”

Following four weeks without a loss the Jameistown Colony was hit harder than a typhoid outbreak as they floundered against the Southwood Dolphins 90-64. The win hands the divisional lead back to the Fins with four division games to play. “If you know your enemy, and know yourself, you need not feat the results of a hundred battles,” quipped Colony GM Len “603” Bonfanti as he prepped for next weeks game against the Nimrods.

FOUR LOKO NFFL SCOREBOARD

Achievers 43
Nimrods 63

Numbers 82
Seersuckers 92

Miners 85
Tortfeasors 43

TARGET NFFL STANDINGS

LOMBARDI DIVISION
TEAM W L T PCT GB
Mootown Marauders 4 2 0 .667
Coles Miners 4 2 0 .667
Fluffiest Bunnies 3 2 1 .583 0.5
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 0 6 0 .000 4
TAGLIABUE DIVISION
TEAM W L T PCT GB
North Florida Seersuckers 6 0 0 1.000
Canadian Beavers 4 1 1 .750 1 . 5
Auburn Numbers 2 4 0 .333 4
Golden Eagles 1 5 0 .167 5
GUNSEL DIVISION
TEAM W L T PCT GB
Southwood Dolphins 3 2 1 .583
Jameistown Colony 3 2 1 .583
Miccosukee Nimrods 3 3 0 .500 0.5
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers 1 5 0 .200 2.5

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