Tortfeasors Win

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La Republica (Roma, IT) – “Our National Nightmare Is Over!” proclaimed the front page of La Republica after the struggling Slippery Rock Tortfeasors defeated the heavily favored Mootown Marauders 92-66. “For most of the season we have been a one-armed man floundering in rough seas, but tonight we were a perfectly cooked ravioli garnished with a delectable and light red sauce,” said Tortfeasors’ owner Mike “Il Duce” Haire as he sipped a fine oak aged Diet Coke.  The loss was unexpected for the Marauders who had penciled in the win on a large schedule hanging in the locker room. “Pencil? I wrote this W in permanent marker. How the heck am I going to get that off?” said Marauders Equipment Manager Jim “Mr. Muskego” Larmore.

The Auburn Numbers continued their sophomore season struggles with a 106-91 loss against the Canadian Beavers.  The loss drops the Numbers to 2-6 on the season, six games off the division lead, and three and a half back from the Wild Card spot. “I have no idea why we suck so badly. I think it’s because I’m letting my kids set our line-up each week. Either that, or it’s because I have not mastered the fine art of the waiver wire. Your call,” said a distraught Andrew “Tangent” Woodward.

News out of the Miccosukee Nimrods camp was also not positive as the team saw its record fall to 3-5 following a 114-84 loss to the surging Southwood Dolphins. “Our team is in turmoil. Our owner moved to Jacksonville for a job, and now he’s neglecting our roster. If he doesn’t quickly re-prioritize , I think this ‘Rods’ season is destined for the NFFL dust bin,” said Bennett “What’s Our Password Dad” Zollner. The Nimrods will look to rebound in Week 9 as they face the Achievers.

FOUR LOKO NFFL SCOREBOARD

Tortfeasors 53
Bunnies 106

Eagles 85
Numbers 77

Nimrods 64
Colony 106

TARGET NFFL STANDINGS

LOMBARDI DIVISION
TEAM W L T PCT GB
Fluffiest Bunnies 5 2 1 .688
Mootown Marauders 5 3 0 .625 0.5
Coles Miners 4 4 0 .500 1.5
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 1 7 0 .000 4.5
TAGLIABUE DIVISION
TEAM W L T PCT GB
North Florida Seersuckers 8 0 0 1.000
Canadian Beavers 5 2 1 .688 2. 5
Golden Eagles 2 6 0 .250 6
Auburn Number 2 6 0 .250 6
GUNSEL DIVISION
TEAM W L T PCT GB
Southwood Dolphins 5 2 1 .688
Jameistown Colony 4 3 1 .563 1
Miccosukee Nimrods 3 5 0 .375 2.5
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers 2 6 0 .250 3.5
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2 responses to “Tortfeasors Win

  1. I’m beginning to think that you saw me as a huge threat and purposely put me into a division with some sort of alien powerhouse on purpose. For any other division, I would have 1 less loss. THE MAN IS KEEPING ME DOWN.

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