La Republica (Roma, IT) – “Our National Nightmare Is Over!” proclaimed the front page of La Republica after the struggling Slippery Rock Tortfeasors defeated the heavily favored Mootown Marauders 92-66. “For most of the season we have been a one-armed man floundering in rough seas, but tonight we were a perfectly cooked ravioli garnished with a delectable and light red sauce,” said Tortfeasors’ owner Mike “Il Duce” Haire as he sipped a fine oak aged Diet Coke. The loss was unexpected for the Marauders who had penciled in the win on a large schedule hanging in the locker room. “Pencil? I wrote this W in permanent marker. How the heck am I going to get that off?” said Marauders Equipment Manager Jim “Mr. Muskego” Larmore.
The Auburn Numbers continued their sophomore season struggles with a 106-91 loss against the Canadian Beavers. The loss drops the Numbers to 2-6 on the season, six games off the division lead, and three and a half back from the Wild Card spot. “I have no idea why we suck so badly. I think it’s because I’m letting my kids set our line-up each week. Either that, or it’s because I have not mastered the fine art of the waiver wire. Your call,” said a distraught Andrew “Tangent” Woodward.
News out of the Miccosukee Nimrods camp was also not positive as the team saw its record fall to 3-5 following a 114-84 loss to the surging Southwood Dolphins. “Our team is in turmoil. Our owner moved to Jacksonville for a job, and now he’s neglecting our roster. If he doesn’t quickly re-prioritize , I think this ‘Rods’ season is destined for the NFFL dust bin,” said Bennett “What’s Our Password Dad” Zollner. The Nimrods will look to rebound in Week 9 as they face the Achievers.
FOUR LOKO NFFL SCOREBOARD
TARGET NFFL STANDINGS
|Slippery Rock Tortfeasors||1||7||0||.000||4.5|
|North Florida Seersuckers||8||0||0||1.000||—|
|Canadian Beavers||5||2||1||.688||2. 5|
|Little Lebowski Urban Achievers||2||6||0||.250||3.5|