Tortfeasors Rock Achievers in Opener

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Tallahassee Democrat (Tallahassee, FL) – Following a historically sub-par 2015 season the Slippery Rock Tortfeasor made a statement to open the 2016 season as they defeated the upstart Little Lebowski Urban Achievers 127-107. The Tortfeasors were 5-9 last season and were derailed by injury, the disappearance of the entire coaching staff under suspicious circumstances, and a lard shortage. “The people called for change and I have graciously given it to them, along with a free over-sized can of pig fat. What more could you ask for?” said owner Mike “Il Duce” Haire.

The Fluffiest Bunnies opened the defense of their 2015 title with a loss against the Ivernia Avengers. Heading into the final frame the Bunnies held a slight lead, but  the Avengers rallied to nip the league’s cutest team 107-104. “You can’t ambush me with that kinda cute! We knew the Bunnies would be tough, but we were tougher.” said Avengers offensive coordinator Jedediah Fitzsimmons.

In the late game the Golden Eagles handed the Jameistown Colony an opening loss. The Eagles rode Cam Newton’s arm to the win while the Colony struggled to break the half-century mark in the 80-51 loss. “Maybe Mark should stick to making meatballs and sauce.” a joyous Tom “Detroit Rock City” Criss exclaimed as he drove past the Ox on his vintage violet Vespa.

PBR NFFL SCOREBOARD

Beavers 91
Chihuahuas 83

Numbers 83
Dolphins 66

Marauders 95
Nimrods 92

Miners 117
Sweepers 102

DOLLAR GENERAL NFFL STANDINGS

TEAM W L T PCT GB
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 1 0 0 1.000
Coles Miners 1 0 0 1.000
Ivernia Avengers 1 0 0 1.000
Mootown Marauders 1 0 0 1.000
Canadian Beavers 1 0 0 1.000
Auburn Numbers 1 0 0 1.000
Golden Eagles 1 0 0 1.000
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers 0 1 0 .000 1
Fluffies Bunnies 0 1 0 .000 1
Salem Sweepers 0 1 0 .000 1
Miccosukee Nimrods 0 1 0 .000 1
West Washington Chihuahuas 0 1 0 .000 1
Southwood Dolphins 0 1 0 .000 1
Jameistown Colony 0 1 0 .000 1

 

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