Salem Waxes Auburn


Salem Observer (Salem, NH) – The Salem Sweepers surged into the fourth spot in the NFFL standing with a 142-59 brow beating of the now struggling Auburn Numbers. Led by the dynamic duo of Ben Roethlisberger and Ezekiel Elliott the Sweepers struck early and often and had a stunned Auburn squad in the dustpan by halftime. “To make honey, young bee need young flower, not old prune. Remember that.” said Sweepers’ head coach Andre Tippett. The play of the Numbers for the second straight week was less than inspired and the team struggled to deal with off the field issues bubbling to the surface. Team spokesperson Bill Ham, Jr. attempted to quell fears of financial disaster within the club. “Our team is garbage, but many of our bills have been paid, and we almost had enough to make payroll. What’s a few IOUs between friends?” The League Office is probing for more details and promised a full report in 60-90 days.

The Urban Achievers improved to 3-2 on the season with a 59-55 win over the struggling Fluffiest Bunnies. “White Russians are on the house!” said a jubilant Little Lebowski’s owner Luke “Spartan” Grabowski as he bounded into a post-game soiree at Madison Social. The Bunnies remain winless on the season and are searching for answers. “We are highly adorable, amazingly cuddleable, and ridiculously soft. There is no reason we should be 0-5 on the season!” declared Bunnies’ equipment manager Mr. Velveteen.

In a game which could have provided some separation in the standings, the Canadian Beavers dropped their match-up against the  Miccosukee Nimrods. “Statistically speaking, we should have cleaned the floor with those schlubs. How we lost will require further analysis, eh?” said Beavers’ GM Sara “Stone Cold” Hart. For the ‘Rods the win pushed the team to just below the .500 mark. “When you face a better team the best approach is to drag them down to your level and squeak by with a win. 88-75? We’ll take it,” said Joe “Pierogi” Zollner.


Chihuahuas 86
Eagles 103

Avengers 95
Dolphins 94

Miners 91
Colony 82

Tortfeasors 89
Marauders 80


Coles Miners 5 0 0 1.000
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 4 1 0 .800 1
Golden Eagles 4 1 0 .800 1
Salem Sweepers 3 2 0 .600 2
Ivernia Avengers 3 2 0 .600 2
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers 3 2 0  .600 2
Miccosukee Nimrods 2 3 0  .400 3
West Washington Chihuahuas 2 3 0 .400 3
Mootown Marauders 2 3 0 .400 3
Auburn Numbers 2 3 0 .400 3
Canadian Beavers 2 3 0 .400 3
Jameistown Colony 2 3 0 .400 3
Southwood Dolphins 1 4 0 .200 4
Fluffiest Bunnies 0 5 0 .000 5

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