Eagles Soar Into First Place


Northside Elitist (Tallahassee, FL) A clash between the two top of the table clubs witnessed the Golden Eagles rise to a 70-49 win over an uninspired Coal Miners squad. “Our boys took the pitch with an eye on knocking off the Miners, and by golly they got the job done,” said Eagles manager Rocky Ray Hudson. The Miners were flirting with perfection and after suffering their first defeat will now look to regroup. “Anyone who thought we would go undefeated doesn’t know the NFFL. This league makes presidential politics look like a cake walk,” said Miners VP of Client Relations Ken Bone.

At the other end of the table the Fluffiest Bunnies notched their first victory of the season as they dispatched the Auburn Numbers 95-75. 2016 has been unkind for the defending NFFL champions, and the win is hopefully the first of many. Joanna “Iron Lady” Bonfanti addressed the team’s struggles. “Why are we losing? Two words, my husband. He drafted Brady right from under my nose. Enjoy the couch daddy!” Auburn falls to 2-6 on the season and is dangerously close to relegation. “We ain’t gonna stop fightin’ till the final whistle blows!” said Auburn TE coach Terry “War Eagle” Bowden.

The Mootown Marauders’ struggles continued at they were tipped by the Colony 111-80. “What’s our record? 2-4? You’ve got to be kidding me. Why do I pay you people in gas futures?” stated Marauders’ owner Kirsten “Gazprom” Matthis as she headed towards the team offices searching for answers. Jameistown improved to 3-3 and sits within striking distance of a playoff berth. “Our plan has always been to get our team healthy, and wait for Tom’s return from Devil Island. Y’all are in big trouble now,” said Jameis Winston, the team’s inspirational leader.

PBR NFFL SCOREBOARD

Nimrods 74
Avengers 80

Dolphins 97
Tortfeasors 39

Achievers 104
Chihuahuas 107

Sweepers 58
Beavers 95

DOLLAR GENERAL NFFL STANDINGS

TEAM W L T PCT GB
Golden Eagles 5 1 0 .833
Coles Miners 5 1 0 .833
Ivernia Avengers 4 2 0 .667 1
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 4 2 0 .667 1
Salem Sweepers 3 3 0 .500 2
West Washington Chihuahuas 3 3 0  .500 2
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers 3 3 0  .500 2
Canadian Beavers 3 3 0 .500 2
Jameistown Colony 3 3 0 .500 2
Miccosukee Nimrods 2 4 0 .333 3
Mootown Marauders 2 4 0 .333 3
Auburn Numbers 2 4 0 .333 3
Southwood Dolphins 2 4 0 .333 3
Fluffiest Bunnies 1 5 0 .167 4
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