Colony Cruise to Victory


Buccaneer Tribune (Knockemdown Key, FL) – The Jameistown Colony escaped with a 101-97 on the road against the Southwood Dolphins. Led by Jeremy Hill the Colony weathered a late ‘Fins charge to improve to 4-3 on the season. “They’re a big difference between 4-3 and 3-4,” said Colony head coach Bill Belichick, “Mainly it’s one win and where you put the three and the four,” he continued. The loss was the latest setback  for a Dolphins team that historically has been one of the league’s best. “We are reevaluating, retesting, and re-investigating why we are complete crap this year,” said Southwood GM Troy “Thor” Rubin.

Golden’s reign atop the NFFL standings was a quick affair as they crashed back to earth in a 86-68 loss to the Mootown Marauders. has learned Tom “Coney” Criss had 2,573 “2016 NFFL Playoff Participant” t-shirts on order through Custom Ink.  This order has been placed on “hold” pending the outcome of the final six games. “Those shirts are real beauties. A nice gold color made of super soft cotton with our logo on the front. Man I want to order those shirts. Get right Eagles, get right!” sobbed Criss as he rubbed a sample t-shirt on his cheek. When contacted and advised her team had won, Marauders’ owner Kirsten “Gazprom” Matthis was vacationing in the Bahamas. “We won? Lovely. I didn’t even check my team because I’m sunning myself on my private island, not some tourist beach near God-forsaken Nassau. Make sure that’s clear, I have a reputation to uphold,” remarked Matthis.

The losing streak for the much maligned Miccosukee Nimrods grew to two as the squad fell 107-61 to the Slippery Rock Tortfeasors. A model of NFFL futility the Nimrods find themselves just above the relegation zone in twelfth position. “Relegation? What is that? Some fancy kind of relish for my brats? The Commish can kiss my ass,” remarked Joe “Pierogi” Zollner as he funneled a Jager bomb. The Tortfearsors pushed back into second with the victory and are poised to make a playoff push. “Tactically there is no team that compares to our precision. Overrunning lesser opponents and sapping their will to resist it what we do, and you saw firsthand that Miccosukee was no match for our superior man-power,” noted Mike “Il Duce” Hair as he conditioned his newly minted handlebar mustache.


Numbers 87
Beavers 102

Miners 119
Achievers 77

Avengers 58
Sweepers 74

Chihuahuas 89
Bunnies 44


Coles Miners 6 1 0 .867
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 5 2 0 .714 1
Golden Eagles 5 2 0 .714 1
Salem Sweepers 4 3 0 .571 2
Ivernia Avengers 4 3 0 .571 2
West Washington Chihuahuas 4 3 0  .571 2
Canadian Beavers 4 3 0  .571 2
Jameistown Colony 4 3 0 .571 2
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers 3 4 0 .429 3
Mootown Marauders 3 4 0 .429 3
Auburn Numbers 2 5 0 .286 4
Miccosukee Numbers 2 5 0 .286 4
Southwood Dolphins 2 5 0 .286 4
Fluffiest Bunnies 1 6 0 .143 5

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