Moosonee Tribune (Moosonee, ON) – The Canadian Beavers gnawed their way to a timberific 103-55 win over the rudderless Tortfeasors before a packed crowd at Tim Hortons Field. Sara “Poutine” Hart was humble as always in victory as she appeared at the post-game press conference through a smoke filled and back lit tunnel. “Of course we won, we’re Canadians, it’s what we do! But keep your heads up and don’t move to my country, eh! Also, you guys need a Parliament, just saying.” The win shocked Slippery Rock as they planned on victories in Florida, North Carolina, and Ohio to propel them over the Beavers. “I have no idea what happened. As soon as Wisconsin went for the team in red, we knew our blue wall had been breached and the game was over. No we weep,” said Mike “Il Duce” Haire via a prepared statement read to supporters the day after the loss.
Winning is something the Auburn Numbers are not accustomed to, and this week saw the club notch its elusive third of the season in a 108-103 upset over the surging Ivernia Avengers. Auburn employed the much maligned 8 v 9 approach to the game, but came out on top despite not playing a TE. “Everyone said our team, who was down a man going into the weekend, couldn’t complete. Those people were wrong! Who has two thumbs and doesn’t need a TE? This guy,” said Number owner Andrew “Bama Sucks” Woodward as he rolled Toomer’s Corner. Following the game fingers were pointed in the Avengers organization as to who was responsible for the loss. “Luallen should have asked me to draft his team. I am the best drafter out there, and our season could have been huge. Guy needs to work the waiver wire more and work less. Loser,” said Ivernia GM Donald “President Elect” Trump as he took a bigly gulp of coffee from his gold plated coffee mug.
The Salem Sweeps climbed to the top of the NFFL standings with a slim 87-81 win over the visiting Jameistown Colony. “Jameistown came to Salem for the cheap electronics, booze, and tattoos. Notice what was missing from that list? A win, because you don’t waltz into the Merrimack Valley and roll over the Sweepahs!” said Salem GM Deb “Chapel” Bonfanti as she drained a Moxie and snacked a slice of Christopher’s green pepper pizza. The loss set the Colony back to 5-4, still within striking distance of a playoff spot. “This was a setback, but only a minor one. We plan to rebound next week and pee all over Salem’s leg in the playoffs,” remarked Roman “Bulldog” Bonfanti as he followed the trail of a suspect possum.
PBR NFFL SCOREBOARD
DOLLAR GENERAL NFFL STANDINGS
|West Washington Chihuahuas||6||3||0||.667||—|
|Slippery Rock Tortfeasors||5||4||0||.556||1|
|Little Lebowski Urban Achievers||3||6||0||.333||3|