Miners Shaft Tortfeasors

Coal Miners

Black Lung Caller (Cole Town, WV) – The match-up between the two top ranked teams saw Coles Miners maintain their undefeated record as they topped the Tortfeasors 81-74. Adding insult to injury, the Miners played only eight players instead of the customary nine. “Miners take risk everyday when they head down the shaft into the darkness. Suiting up one less player against the over-hyped Slippery Rock squad was a calculated risk that paid off,” said Coles GM Betty Friedan. The now formerly undefeated Tortfeasors limped off the field ruminating over what could have been. “It’s a lost opportunity for glory, spoils, and delicious baked goods,” remarked Mike “Il Duce” Haire as he consoled his men over their fallen comrades.

Meanwhile, in the much anticipated Famous Flying Bonfanti Brothers Derby the West Washington Chihuahuas defeated the Jameistown Colony 97-79 to retain the Golden Cannoli. The contest was marred by fan violence as ultras from both teams, led by the Los Chimichangos and Crab Leg Brigade, clashed in the stands. “Going into the game we wanted to grab a win before Brady is released from federal custody, and we did just that. We also just learned that Francis P. Wanamaker, the leader of our ultras, is in police custody for questioning. Free Francis now!” said Mike “Burrito” Bonfanti. As for the Colony, the team plans to regroup and make a push for a playoff spot in the coming weeks. “Treading water until Tom “Golden Arm” Brady is back was our plan, and at 2-2 we executed it to perfection,” quipped Colony PR Director Big Red as she snacked on goldfish crackers.

In the surprise of the weekend the Ivernia Avengers crushed the Mootown Marauders 127-30. “Were those overstuffed marshmallows I call players even aware we had a game this weekend? They played like a rec league team. And I just broke the heel of my Louboutin! This weekend sucks and someone will pay!” shrieked Marauders owner Kirsten “Gazprom” Matthis as she stormed out of the stadium. For the Avengers, the win righted the ship to an even keeled record of 2-2 on the season. “We trust now, and always will trust the process.” said Ivernia CEO Eric “Poise” Luallen.

PBR NFFL SCOREBOARD

Urban Achievers 95
Numbers 70

Nimrods 84
Sweepers 139

Eagles 78
Bunnies 38

Dolphins 74
Beavers 71

DOLLAR GENERAL NFFL STANDINGS

TEAM W L T PCT GB
Coles Miners 4 0 0 1.000
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 3 1 0 .750 1
Golden Eagles 3 1 0 .750 1
Auburn Numbers 2 2 0 .500 2
Canadian Beavers 2 2 0 .500 2
Mootown Marauders 2 2 0  .500 2
Jameistown Colony 2 2 0  .500 2
West Washington Chihuahuas 2 2 0 .500 2
Ivernia Avengers 2 2 0 .500 2
Salem Sweepers 2 2 0 .500 2
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers 2 2 0 .500 2
Miccosukee Nimrods 1 3 0 .333 3
Southwood Dolphins 1 3 0 .333 3
Fluffiest Bunnies 0 4 0 .000 4
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Numbers > Nimrods

numbers_logo2Auburn Carrier Pigeon (Auburn, AL) – Before a packed house at Duck Stamford Stadium the Auburn Numbers continued their early season success as they rolled to a 125-80 victory over perennial NFFL disappointments, the Miccosukee Nimrods. “After last season’s terrible start to the season it’s nice to be 2-1 and close to a playoff spot. Since the league ditched its weekly power rankings I have more time to devote to pounding my opponents,” said Auburn owner Andrew “Slide Rule” Woodward.  A defiant and visibly intoxicated Joey “Pierogi” Zollner refused to admit defeat and had to be forcibly removed from the visiting team owner’s luxury box. “Losing is fine! It’s fine! Everything is fine! I’m fine! My team sucks balls, but whatever!” he mumbled as he was poured into the team bus.

The Little Lebowski Urban Achievers notched their first win of the 2016 campaign with a 103-71 win against the Golden Eagles. The Achievers cruised to victory on the sculpted muscular back of Aaron Rodgers. “Beating the Eagles is sweet. Beating the Eagles watching Rodgers drop 34 on them is extra special. Plus he has a a great ass,” said Achievers’s CEO Luke “House Money” Grabowski. For the Eagles the loss puts to bed any dreams of a perfect season. “The NFFL is a grind, and it’s hard to win let alone run the table. We’ll take it a week at a time, and while we’re not pleased with today’s result, we are already preparing for next week,” said Golden coach Jimbo Fisher.

In a battle of 0-2 teams the Salem Sweepers stood tallest as they toweled off the Dolphins 69-61. The loss drops Southwood, one of the most successful NFFL franchises to a dismal 0-3. “Losing is not part of what makes Southwood great. Delicious burritos, easy access to the Lumber Liquidators showroom, and ample parking make Southwood great. I vow to not rest until we win a game!” said Fins’ owner Seth “Lemon Man” Rubin. Sweepers’ owner Len “Windex” Bonfanti could not be reached for comment as he was enjoying a delicious seafood platter at the Weathervane.

PBR NFFL SCOREBOARD

Chihuahuas 79
Tortfeasors 87

Dolphins 87
Nimrods 114

Bunnies 48
Colony 87

Avengers 86
Miners 90

DOLLAR GENERAL NFFL STANDINGS

TEAM W L T PCT GB
Coles Miners 3 0 0 1.000
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 3 0 0 1.000
Mootown Marauders 2 1 0 .667 1
Auburn Numbers 2 1 0 .667 1
Canadian Beavers 2 1 0 .667 1
Golden Eagles 2 1 0  .667 1
Jameistown Colony 2 1 0  .667 1
Miccosukee Nimrods 1 2 0 .333 2
Ivernia Avengers 1 2 0 .333 2
Salem Sweepers 1 2 0 .333 2
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers 1 2 0 .333 2
West Washington Chihuahuas 1 2 0 .000 2
Fluffiest Bunnies 0 3 0 .000 3
Southwood Dolphins 0 3 0 .000 3

 

Marauders Sweep Salem

 

sweetskullredo

Mootown Examiner (Jefferson County, FL) – The Mootown Marauders thumped the Salem Sweepers 152-98. According to several unnamed sources (and  the general laziness of the league office to fact check) it was the highest regular season point total. The NFFL confirmed Len “Mr. Clean” Bonfanti had lodged a formal complaint against the Mootown Club alleging the Marauders “drafted too well and knows too much about football.” A confident Kirsten “Muskego” Matthis promised there was more beat downs in store for the rest of the NFFL, and declined anabolic horse steroids played any part in her team’s success. “You’re either a Manolo or from Payless. I think we know which is which here,” said Matthis, as she flung her shopping bags over her shoulder and left the stadium while “We Are the Champions” played from her personal sound track.

Keeping up with the Marauders, the Coles Miners improved to 2-0 with a 84-61 victory of the Canadian Beavers. Philip Rivers scored 31 for the Miners while Drew Brees could only muster a measly 16 for the visiting Beavers. “I’m not going to say Lorraine out coached a college professor that would be rude. All I’ll say is scoreboard!” said Miners owner Miriam “Anthracite” Coles. Always gracious in defeat the Beavers issued a statement inviting the Miners to “suck her poutine”

In the final featured game of the weekend the West Washington Chihuahuas edged the Ivernia Avengers 100-93 at Estadio Negra Modelo. The win was the first of the season for the feisty Chis and evened their record to 1-1. “People under estimate our team because we’re made up of a bunch of Gemini vegetarians.” said Chihuahua’s head coach Bruiser Woods. Ivernia made a late comeback but fell short. “Anytime you lose to the mascot of a taco chain it hurts.” said Avs owner Eric “Coke Zero” Luallen.

PBR NFFL SCOREBOARD

Eagles 99
Numbers 80

Dolphins 87
Nimrods 114

Colony 83
Achievers 57

Tortfeasors 89
Bunnies 63

DOLLAR GENERAL NFFL STANDINGS

TEAM W L T PCT GB
Mootown Marauders 2 0 0 1.000
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 2 0 0 1.000
Coles Miners 2 0 0 1.000
Golden Eagles 2 0 0 1.000
Miccosukee Nimrods 1 1 0 .500
Ivernia Avengers 1 1 0  .500
West Washington Chihuahuas 1 1 0  .500
Auburn Numbers 1 1 0 .500 1
Canadian Beavers 1 1 0 .500 1
Jameistown Colony 1 1 0 .500 1
Salem Sweepers 0 2 0 .000 2
Fluffiest Bunnies 0 2 0 .000 2
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers 0 2 0 .000 2
Southwood Dolphins 0 2 0 .000 2

 

Tortfeasors Rock Achievers in Opener

TortfeasorsLogo

Tallahassee Democrat (Tallahassee, FL) – Following a historically sub-par 2015 season the Slippery Rock Tortfeasor made a statement to open the 2016 season as they defeated the upstart Little Lebowski Urban Achievers 127-107. The Tortfeasors were 5-9 last season and were derailed by injury, the disappearance of the entire coaching staff under suspicious circumstances, and a lard shortage. “The people called for change and I have graciously given it to them, along with a free over-sized can of pig fat. What more could you ask for?” said owner Mike “Il Duce” Haire.

The Fluffiest Bunnies opened the defense of their 2015 title with a loss against the Ivernia Avengers. Heading into the final frame the Bunnies held a slight lead, but  the Avengers rallied to nip the league’s cutest team 107-104. “You can’t ambush me with that kinda cute! We knew the Bunnies would be tough, but we were tougher.” said Avengers offensive coordinator Jedediah Fitzsimmons.

In the late game the Golden Eagles handed the Jameistown Colony an opening loss. The Eagles rode Cam Newton’s arm to the win while the Colony struggled to break the half-century mark in the 80-51 loss. “Maybe Mark should stick to making meatballs and sauce.” a joyous Tom “Detroit Rock City” Criss exclaimed as he drove past the Ox on his vintage violet Vespa.

PBR NFFL SCOREBOARD

Beavers 91
Chihuahuas 83

Numbers 83
Dolphins 66

Marauders 95
Nimrods 92

Miners 117
Sweepers 102

DOLLAR GENERAL NFFL STANDINGS

TEAM W L T PCT GB
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors 1 0 0 1.000
Coles Miners 1 0 0 1.000
Ivernia Avengers 1 0 0 1.000
Mootown Marauders 1 0 0 1.000
Canadian Beavers 1 0 0 1.000
Auburn Numbers 1 0 0 1.000
Golden Eagles 1 0 0 1.000
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers 0 1 0 .000 1
Fluffies Bunnies 0 1 0 .000 1
Salem Sweepers 0 1 0 .000 1
Miccosukee Nimrods 0 1 0 .000 1
West Washington Chihuahuas 0 1 0 .000 1
Southwood Dolphins 0 1 0 .000 1
Jameistown Colony 0 1 0 .000 1

 

Ivernia Avengers Join the NFFL

ivernia-avengers

NFFL.com (Monticello, FL) – The NFFL Office are proud to announce the addition of the Ivernia Avengers to the NFFL in time for the 2016 season.   The Avengers become the league’s 14th team and are owned and operated by Tampa native Eric Luallen. “Joining the NFFL is just the beginning. You know how they say we only use 10 percent of our brains? I think we only use 10 percent of our hearts, and I aim to change that.” said Luallen as he addressed the media.

The addition of the Avengers have caused consternation in the league office as it scrambled to cobble together a regular season schedule. “Our divisional format went out the window when the commish added Ivernia, so we are going to a single table, just like those fancy European football leagues.” said NFFL Competition Committee Chairman Mark “Weasel” Bonfanti. The Playoffs and the Chase for the NFFL Cup will still be a four team affair. “Win and you’re in.” said Bonfanti.

Ivernia will look to make its mark on the league during the upcoming draft. GM candidates are being interviewed and tickets are now on sale at iverniaavengersfootball.com.