Southwood Tattler (Tallahassee, FL) – Following the alleged disappearance of Seth Rubin, and the subsequent suspension of the Southwood Dolphins the NFFL awarded an expansion franchise to Auburn, AL based financier Andrew Woodward.
Yesterday reports surfaced Rubin had been located floating off the coast of Bald Point in a rubber raft. Local authorities were contacted and a chopper located Rubin wracked by thirst and severe ESPN withdrawal. He was loaded onto a shrimp trawler and taken to Panacea Regional Medical Center where he was placed in the critical care unit and administered plasma and an IV of Natural Light.
Following several hours in the hospital Rubin address the press. “The events leading up to me floating aimlessly in the Gulf of Mexico are a bit hazy. All I can say is that it involved the entire USC marching band, a pogo stick, and three pounds of illegally transported, and highly hallucinogenic, mushrooms. Regardless, I made it out of the tunnel of darkness and have received the best medical treatment Obamacare can redistribute. I am a bit tipsy, but reaffirm my commitment to the NFFL, America, and corned beef.” Rubin was then transported via Uber to Tallahassee where he was reunited with his family and his pet goldfish Comet.
The NFFL Executive Committee vote unanimously to reinstate the Southwood Dolphins. “Waking up in a bath tub full of ice without your kidney can happen to anyone. We’re just happy Seth made it back to the League in relatively one intact piece,” said Executive Committee member Tom “Mini-fridge” Criss. With the reactivation of the ‘Fins the NFFL now has eleven teams and will have to confront additional expansion before the 2014 season commences.