Beavers Pelt Slippery Rock

Moosonee Tribune (Moosonee, ON) – The Canadian Beavers gnawed their way to a timberific 103-55 win over the rudderless Tortfeasors before a packed crowd at Tim Hortons Field.  Sara “Poutine” Hart was humble as always in victory as she appeared at the post-game press conference through a smoke filled and back lit tunnel. “Of course we won, we’re Canadians, it’s what we do! But keep your heads up and don’t move to my country, eh! Also, you guys need a Parliament, just saying.” The win shocked Slippery Rock as they planned on victories in Florida, North Carolina, and Ohio to propel them over the Beavers. “I have no idea what happened. As soon as Wisconsin went for the team in red, we knew our blue wall had been breached and the game was over. No we weep,” said Mike “Il Duce” Haire via a prepared statement read to supporters the day after the loss.

Winning is something the Auburn Numbers are not accustomed to, and this week saw the club notch its elusive third of the season in a 108-103 upset over the surging Ivernia Avengers. Auburn employed the much maligned 8 v 9 approach to the game, but came out on top despite not playing a TE. “Everyone said our team, who was down a man going into the weekend, couldn’t complete. Those people were wrong! Who has two thumbs and doesn’t need a TE? This guy,” said Number owner Andrew “Bama Sucks” Woodward as he rolled Toomer’s Corner. Following the game fingers were pointed in the Avengers organization as to who was responsible for the loss. “Luallen should have asked me to draft his team. I am the best drafter out there, and our season could have been huge. Guy needs to work the waiver wire more and work less. Loser,” said Ivernia GM Donald “President Elect” Trump as he took a bigly gulp of coffee from his gold plated coffee mug.

The Salem Sweeps climbed to the top of the NFFL standings with a slim 87-81 win over the visiting Jameistown Colony. “Jameistown came to Salem for the cheap electronics, booze, and tattoos. Notice what was missing from that list? A win, because you don’t waltz into the Merrimack Valley and roll over the Sweepahs!” said Salem GM Deb “Chapel” Bonfanti as she drained a Moxie and snacked a slice of Christopher’s green pepper pizza. The loss set the Colony back to 5-4, still within striking distance of a playoff spot. “This was a setback, but only a minor one. We plan to rebound next week and pee all over Salem’s leg in the playoffs,” remarked Roman “Bulldog” Bonfanti as he followed the trail of a suspect possum.

PBR NFFL SCOREBOARD

Miners 78
Chihuahuas 113

Marauders 98
Bunnies 58

Dolphins 91
Achievers 79

Eagles 100
Nimrods 75

DOLLAR GENERAL NFFL STANDINGS

TEAM	W	L	T	PCT	GB
Salem Sweepers	6	3	0	.667	—
Golden Eagles	6	3	0	.667	—
West Washington Chihuahuas	6	3	0	.667	—
Coles Miners	6	3	0	.667	—
Ivernia Avengers	5	4	0	.556	1
Canadian Beavers	5	4	0	.556	1
Mootown Marauders	5	4	0	.556	1
Jameistown Colony	5	4	0	.556	1
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors	5	4	0	.556	1
Southwood Dolphins	4	5	0	.444	2
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers	3	6	0	.333	3
Auburn Numbers	3	6	0	.333	3
Miccosukee Nimrods	2	7	0	.222	4
Fluffiest Bunnies	2	7	0	.222	4

Bunnies Maul Miners

Fluffy All Good News Paper (New Born Baby Chick, AL) – Reeling from a season that has tunneled under expectations, the Fluffiest Bunnies pulled the shock of the NFFL season as they nuzzled the Miners to a 74-49 victory. Employing formations, that at best can be described as unorthodox the Bunnies never allowed the Miners to get comfortable on the field. Off field, however, was a different story as Miners played napped, sipped cold drinks and received individual massages. “Kill ’em with kindness is what my gammy always told me to do! And once they’re lulled into a false sense of security, kick ’em in the family jewels,” said Fluffiest Hospitality Manager Katie Lee. Following the game the Miners filed a formal protest with the NFFL alleging the Bunnies engaged in “recklessly thoughtful conduct” which “limited their ability to mount a strong defense” and led to “a hot Chipotle-like mess on the field.”

The Ivernia Avengers led by NFFL newcomer Eric “Velvet Pipes” Luallen squeaked past the Canadian Beavers 98-92. With the win Ivernia improved to 5-3 and sits second overall in points scored, an important NFFL tie-breaker. “My silky smooth voice is not just for calling double plays, it’s also for declaring that this Tampa kid won’t be intimidated by a bunch of attorneys. I got the same education for $0.39 in late fees from the Hillsborough Library. How do you like them apples?” said Luallen as he gave his opponent double guns from midfield. The loss slides the Beavers to 4-4 and means a late season push is needed to plow into the playoffs. Owner Sarah “Tenure Bitches” Hart was unavailable for comment as she was participating in a Zombie Tough Mudder UFC 439 event in the Mojave Desert.

In the late game the West Washington Chihuahuas yipped the Auburn Numbers 102-30. The Numbers were decimated by bye week absences and decided to field a team of six. “Seriously, who am I going to pick up? I saw Jerome Bettis and Phil Simms on the waiver wire. Tempting, but I’ll take my chances next week with a full team,” quipped Andrew “Bye Weeks Suck” Woodward. Meanwhile, the Chis celebrated the victory deep into the night led by the soulful sounds of Karl Barx and the Los Chimichangos. “Anytime you can get a win in the NFFL, you celebrate! Sure we tore apart a team whose heart wasn’t in it, but it’s still a W,” said Chi’s Offensive Coordinator Rocky “3 lb Hammer” Bonfanti.

PBR NFFL SCOREBOARD

Achievers 87
Marauders 103

Eagles 64
Dolphins 80

Nimrods 110
Colony 118

Sweepers 89
Tortfeasors 74

DOLLAR GENERAL NFFL STANDINGS

TEAM	W	L	T	PCT	GB
Coles Miners	6	2	0	.750	—
Salem Sweepers	5	3	0	.625	1
Ivernia Avengers	5	3	0	.625	1
West Washington Chihuahuas	5	3	0	.625	1
Jameistown Colony	5	3	0	.625	1
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors	5	3	0	.625	1
Golden Eagles	5	3	0	.625	1
Canadian Beavers	4	4	0	.500	2
Mootown Marauders	4	4	0	.500	2
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers	3	5	0	.375	3
Southwood Dolphins	3	5	0	.375	3
Miccosukee Numbers	2	6	0	.250	4
Fluffiest Bunnies	2	6	0	.250	4
Auburn Numbers	2	6	0	.250	4

Colony Cruise to Victory

Buccaneer Tribune (Knockemdown Key, FL) – The Jameistown Colony escaped with a 101-97 on the road against the Southwood Dolphins. Led by Jeremy Hill the Colony weathered a late ‘Fins charge to improve to 4-3 on the season. “They’re a big difference between 4-3 and 3-4,” said Colony head coach Bill Belichick, “Mainly it’s one win and where you put the three and the four,” he continued. The loss was the latest setback  for a Dolphins team that historically has been one of the league’s best. “We are reevaluating, retesting, and re-investigating why we are complete crap this year,” said Southwood GM Troy “Thor” Rubin.

Golden’s reign atop the NFFL standings was a quick affair as they crashed back to earth in a 86-68 loss to the Mootown Marauders. NFFL.com has learned Tom “Coney” Criss had 2,573 “2016 NFFL Playoff Participant” t-shirts on order through Custom Ink.  This order has been placed on “hold” pending the outcome of the final six games. “Those shirts are real beauties. A nice gold color made of super soft cotton with our logo on the front. Man I want to order those shirts. Get right Eagles, get right!” sobbed Criss as he rubbed a sample t-shirt on his cheek. When contacted and advised her team had won, Marauders’ owner Kirsten “Gazprom” Matthis was vacationing in the Bahamas. “We won? Lovely. I didn’t even check my team because I’m sunning myself on my private island, not some tourist beach near God-forsaken Nassau. Make sure that’s clear, I have a reputation to uphold,” remarked Matthis.

The losing streak for the much maligned Miccosukee Nimrods grew to two as the squad fell 107-61 to the Slippery Rock Tortfeasors. A model of NFFL futility the Nimrods find themselves just above the relegation zone in twelfth position. “Relegation? What is that? Some fancy kind of relish for my brats? The Commish can kiss my ass,” remarked Joe “Pierogi” Zollner as he funneled a Jager bomb. The Tortfearsors pushed back into second with the victory and are poised to make a playoff push. “Tactically there is no team that compares to our precision. Overrunning lesser opponents and sapping their will to resist it what we do, and you saw firsthand that Miccosukee was no match for our superior man-power,” noted Mike “Il Duce” Hair as he conditioned his newly minted handlebar mustache.

PBR NFFL SCOREBOARD

Numbers 87
Beavers 102

Miners 119
Achievers 77

Avengers 58
Sweepers 74

Chihuahuas 89
Bunnies 44

DOLLAR GENERAL NFFL STANDINGS

TEAM	W	L	T	PCT	GB
Coles Miners	6	1	0	.867	—
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors	5	2	0	.714	1
Golden Eagles	5	2	0	.714	1
Salem Sweepers	4	3	0	.571	2
Ivernia Avengers	4	3	0	.571	2
West Washington Chihuahuas	4	3	0	.571	2
Canadian Beavers	4	3	0	.571	2
Jameistown Colony	4	3	0	.571	2
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers	3	4	0	.429	3
Mootown Marauders	3	4	0	.429	3
Auburn Numbers	2	5	0	.286	4
Miccosukee Numbers	2	5	0	.286	4
Southwood Dolphins	2	5	0	.286	4
Fluffiest Bunnies	1	6	0	.143	5

Eagles Soar Into First Place

Northside Elitist (Tallahassee, FL) A clash between the two top of the table clubs witnessed the Golden Eagles rise to a 70-49 win over an uninspired Coal Miners squad. “Our boys took the pitch with an eye on knocking off the Miners, and by golly they got the job done,” said Eagles manager Rocky Ray Hudson. The Miners were flirting with perfection and after suffering their first defeat will now look to regroup. “Anyone who thought we would go undefeated doesn’t know the NFFL. This league makes presidential politics look like a cake walk,” said Miners VP of Client Relations Ken Bone.

At the other end of the table the Fluffiest Bunnies notched their first victory of the season as they dispatched the Auburn Numbers 95-75. 2016 has been unkind for the defending NFFL champions, and the win is hopefully the first of many. Joanna “Iron Lady” Bonfanti addressed the team’s struggles. “Why are we losing? Two words, my husband. He drafted Brady right from under my nose. Enjoy the couch daddy!” Auburn falls to 2-6 on the season and is dangerously close to relegation. “We ain’t gonna stop fightin’ till the final whistle blows!” said Auburn TE coach Terry “War Eagle” Bowden.

The Mootown Marauders’ struggles continued at they were tipped by the Colony 111-80. “What’s our record? 2-4? You’ve got to be kidding me. Why do I pay you people in gas futures?” stated Marauders’ owner Kirsten “Gazprom” Matthis as she headed towards the team offices searching for answers. Jameistown improved to 3-3 and sits within striking distance of a playoff berth. “Our plan has always been to get our team healthy, and wait for Tom’s return from Devil Island. Y’all are in big trouble now,” said Jameis Winston, the team’s inspirational leader.

PBR NFFL SCOREBOARD

Nimrods 74
Avengers 80

Dolphins 97
Tortfeasors 39

Achievers 104
Chihuahuas 107

Sweepers 58
Beavers 95

DOLLAR GENERAL NFFL STANDINGS

TEAM	W	L	T	PCT	GB
Golden Eagles	5	1	0	.833	—
Coles Miners	5	1	0	.833	—
Ivernia Avengers	4	2	0	.667	1
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors	4	2	0	.667	1
Salem Sweepers	3	3	0	.500	2
West Washington Chihuahuas	3	3	0	.500	2
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers	3	3	0	.500	2
Canadian Beavers	3	3	0	.500	2
Jameistown Colony	3	3	0	.500	2
Miccosukee Nimrods	2	4	0	.333	3
Mootown Marauders	2	4	0	.333	3
Auburn Numbers	2	4	0	.333	3
Southwood Dolphins	2	4	0	.333	3
Fluffiest Bunnies	1	5	0	.167	4

Salem Waxes Auburn

Salem Observer (Salem, NH) – The Salem Sweepers surged into the fourth spot in the NFFL standing with a 142-59 brow beating of the now struggling Auburn Numbers. Led by the dynamic duo of Ben Roethlisberger and Ezekiel Elliott the Sweepers struck early and often and had a stunned Auburn squad in the dustpan by halftime. “To make honey, young bee need young flower, not old prune. Remember that.” said Sweepers’ head coach Andre Tippett. The play of the Numbers for the second straight week was less than inspired and the team struggled to deal with off the field issues bubbling to the surface. Team spokesperson Bill Ham, Jr. attempted to quell fears of financial disaster within the club. “Our team is garbage, but many of our bills have been paid, and we almost had enough to make payroll. What’s a few IOUs between friends?” The League Office is probing for more details and promised a full report in 60-90 days.

The Urban Achievers improved to 3-2 on the season with a 59-55 win over the struggling Fluffiest Bunnies. “White Russians are on the house!” said a jubilant Little Lebowski’s owner Luke “Spartan” Grabowski as he bounded into a post-game soiree at Madison Social. The Bunnies remain winless on the season and are searching for answers. “We are highly adorable, amazingly cuddleable, and ridiculously soft. There is no reason we should be 0-5 on the season!” declared Bunnies’ equipment manager Mr. Velveteen.

In a game which could have provided some separation in the standings, the Canadian Beavers dropped their match-up against the  Miccosukee Nimrods. “Statistically speaking, we should have cleaned the floor with those schlubs. How we lost will require further analysis, eh?” said Beavers’ GM Sara “Stone Cold” Hart. For the ‘Rods the win pushed the team to just below the .500 mark. “When you face a better team the best approach is to drag them down to your level and squeak by with a win. 88-75? We’ll take it,” said Joe “Pierogi” Zollner.

PBR NFFL SCOREBOARD

Chihuahuas 86
Eagles 103

Avengers 95
Dolphins 94

Miners 91
Colony 82

Tortfeasors 89
Marauders 80

DOLLAR GENERAL NFFL STANDINGS

TEAM	W	L	T	PCT	GB
Coles Miners	5	0	0	1.000	—
Slippery Rock Tortfeasors	4	1	0	.800	1
Golden Eagles	4	1	0	.800	1
Salem Sweepers	3	2	0	.600	2
Ivernia Avengers	3	2	0	.600	2
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers	3	2	0	.600	2
Miccosukee Nimrods	2	3	0	.400	3
West Washington Chihuahuas	2	3	0	.400	3
Mootown Marauders	2	3	0	.400	3
Auburn Numbers	2	3	0	.400	3
Canadian Beavers	2	3	0	.400	3
Jameistown Colony	2	3	0	.400	3
Southwood Dolphins	1	4	0	.200	4
Fluffiest Bunnies	0	5	0	.000	5